Dear Ibby, My germaphobe boyfriend won’t eat me out. What can I say to him?
“Kiss my all-American asshole, bitchmother.”
Your boyfriend is stupid. In the multiple years he’s walked this earth, he’s failed to do what so many other people have already done — figure out that vaginas are one of the cleanest warm crevices known to man. At any given time, there are infinitely more bacteria and illness-producing paramecium in his own mouth and on his own sausage fingers than there is in your pussy, so germaphobia isn’t really a valid excuse here.
If he wanted something to worry about, he should be much more worried about kissing: a single kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria. Vaginas? Not so much.
The vagina is a self-cleaning organ. While it does have a balanced, normal and healthy blend of good bacteria and yeast, it also goes through a regular purification routine to fight off discomfort and disease. Any doctor will tell you that a lady who bathes semi-regularly and doesn’t have an infection or an STD has a perfectly clean and safe pussy. Pretty basic knowledge.
Also — guess what, shitty boyfriend? Recent research from the Kinsey Institute found that going down on women prevents anxiety, improves sleep and — wait for it — keeps men from getting cancer. Not only is cunnilingus safe, it’s life-preserving.
So, where’s his “germaphobia” coming from then? It’s likely that it has to do with internalized vaginophobia from years of being taught that sex is dirty and disgusting. Many sexual health programs in schools like to stress that even so much as looking at one will riddle your dick with herpes sores in order to scare you away from sex, so even if he logically knows you’re clean, he’s undergone years of sex-negative brainwashing that may make him scared you’re not. This misinformation is keeping him from giving you pleasure, and that sucks.
I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but 75 percent of women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. That’s 75 percent of women that need at least clitoral stimulation to get off. And of those women, the vast majority think cunnilingus is the best way to do it. It’s not fair for him to deny you that kind of necessary pleasure on the grounds of misguided germophobia.
Try telling him that.
If he’s still a weirdo about it … there’s such a thing as dental dams. While it’s not the most sexy or popular prophylactic, there’s a reason why those things exist — so he doesn’t actually touch your skin with his face, and you get the oral sex you deserve.
A Ziploc bag works great too. Or a new boyfriend.