Dear Ibby, My girlfriend is really afraid of sex toys. How do I get her comfortable enough to use them? Also, will this backfire on me?

Dear Ibby, My girlfriend is really afraid of sex toys. How do I get her comfortable enough to use them? Also, will this backfire on me?

SexFebruary 18, 2015

Full Question:

Dear Ibby,
My girlfriend is really afraid of sex toys. I want to get her something special and battery operated because I think it would be fun, but she always changes the subject or giggles and says "ew gross" when I bring up a trip to the sex shop. How do I get her comfortable enough to use a sex toy? Also, will this backfire on me?

First of all, there are a lot of better things to be afraid of in the world. Mumps is one. Area 51 is another. Fuck; ISIS is pretty scary. There are worse things than a vibrator to keep you awake at night.

Secondly, if she doesn’t want to use toys, don’t make her use toys. If she was interested in your propositions, you’d know about it by now. I am 1000% certain it’ll backfire on you if you keep pushing her into it. But for the sake of answering this question, let’s assume that your girlfriend is simply ignorant about toys, not uninterested.

In that case, congratulations, you’re awesome. It’s so, so rare to find people (especially guys) who are invested enough in their partner’s pleasure to bring toys into the mix; that shit is generous. Doing something like that for your girlfriend speaks to your confidence too; most guys are intimidated by toys because they think their ladies will like them more than the real thing. Go you.

One of the best ways to introduce toys to a girl is to figure out what part of your girlfriend’s body makes her feel the best. If it’s her clit, she might really like a Hitachi wand or a Rabbit. If it’s her G-Spot or somewhere deep in her pussy, she might like a dildo or a G-Spot massager. It could be her butt, in which case butt plug that butt right up. Nipples? Nipple clamps. I could go on. Let her know that you want to make whatever part of her feels the best feel even better. 

Another way to get her in the mood is to let her pick the toys. She’d probably feel a lot more relaxed if she knew she could pick a simple vibrator with a 1-inch diameter, rather than feel like she has to indulge your fantasy of fucking her with a pool noodle-sized dong.

Also, maybe she wants to fuck you with toys, ever thought of that? Fuck! Fuck! Cool! Fuck! Either way, let her take the reigns. It’ll mean she’s in control and that will make her feel more comfortable experimenting with something new.

Last cool way: let her get to know a toy by buying a nice, non-terrifying one for her and leaving it in the house for her to experiment with alone. Don’t offer to use it on her right away; let her discover it for herself. Start small; nothing with studs or contraptions or anything you need an air-traffic control tower for.

Godspeed.