Dear Ibby, My roommate is constantly having loud, squeaky sex at all hours of the day. How do I tell her to shut up without being a buzzkill?

Dear Ibby, My roommate is constantly having loud, squeaky sex at all hours of the day. How do I tell her to shut up without being a buzzkill?

SexJuly 01, 2014

There are so many ways to do this I can't even figure out where to start. Let's break them up into immature-don't-try-this-at-home, and adult methods, shall we?

Here are some roundabout, immature ways:

1. What I would do, which is by no means the most adult method or what you should do, would be to stand outside her door and imitate the noises you're hearing as you hear them. Every time she goes "OH YES, YES SQUEAK YES OH FUCK SQUEAK," you know what to do. Add little ornate flourishes at the end like "YES YES YES today's weather is partly cloudy with a 20% chance of rain!"

2. Another fun way to make her understand she's a screaming banshee would be to paint your ears neon yellow to highlight the fact that you have them, because clearly she mistook you for a roommate who's ears are purely decorative.

3. Record the noise, and mix it with "Purple Rain" by Prince.

4. Duct tape her door shut and say it was because you thought that when people morphed into werewolves, which is what she sounds like, you were supposed to lock them somewhere where they can't eat your liver.

... And two adult-ish methods:

Walk right up to him/her/it/them and be like, "When you have the sex, shut up a little." Don't have to worry about sounding like a buzzkill. It would be one thing if your roommate was having roaring sex at her house where you were just a guest, but since it's your house too, you have a right to auditory comfort. You have every right to speak up if your eardrums are under assault. You can even say it all nice ... "Can you guys keep it down a little? I'm trying to have ears that sense and process sound waves," and them if that doesn't fly, move into something a little more direct like, "Sometimes it's fun to wear a gag? Also, shut the fuck up."

Or there's the psycho-manipulative tactic of casually getting into a conversation about sex with her, then saying "You know what's so hot? When the guy tells you you can't move or make a sound," then launch into some elaborate story about how you came everywhere the time so-and-so put his hand over your mouth so no one would hear you. Similarly, tell her how how it was when ____ (insert dude name here) fucked you right on the floor, not your squeaky bed that kept your roommates awake at all hours of the night.

But no matter which method you pick, just remember that no matter how awkward things get after you bring this up, you can always upper-deck her for the equalizer.