Dear Ibby, Should you pursue trying the things in bed that you see in porn? What if some of the things are kind of a big deal to ask your S.O. to do?

Dear Ibby, Should you pursue trying the things in bed that you see in porn? What if some of the things are kind of a big deal to ask your S.O. to do?

SexApril 05, 2015

You should pursue anything that’ll make you feel fulfilled. Just because it’s in porn doesn’t mean it’s not doable in real life, but obviously the important distinction to make is that porn is often based around fantasy. And some fantasies make really awkward realities (see: double penetration, hentai).

If the stuff you see in porn turns you on but it’s a big deal to ask your partner to do: chill. Know that any risk you take might pay off and your fantasy might happen … you just have to figure out if you’re ready for that because most of the time, our fantasies don’t play out like they do in porn.

On the other hand, if your partner is all “WTF is wrong with you,” when you tell them you want to push Push Pops up their butt, don’t feel bad. You were honest about your needs, and that takes balls. You win. And they’re completely allowed to refuse what you ask them; everyone has their own sexual blueprint, and if theirs doesn’t include Push Pops, that’s fine.

However, I think the biggest thing here, and with any relationship issue, is compromise. When you bring up a potentially difficult sexual desire to your partner and they’re not down, figure out a way you can do something that makes you both comfortable. For example, if your fantasy is a threesome but your partner doesn’t want to see you hooking up with another person in front of them, then either modify your fantasy to make them feel more at ease, or change the terms of it. Using the threesome example, have a honest conversation with your partner about how you can pull it off. Starting with the most basic of threesome activities, break down the things that could happen during a threesome and talk them over to see how they feel about them. Maybe through doing that, you find that they’re okay with you kissing someone else or having the third person watch you guys fuck, but they’re not okay with you having sex with the unicorn. Find out what, if anything, about your fantasy they can and cannot handle. Maybe they’d be into it if you switched up the gender of your third, or if you gave them some options about who they could be.

Every fantasy you have can be modified to fit the boundaries of your relationship if both of you are willing to compromise. This has nothing to do with whether or not something is in porn — only how badly you want your fantasies actualized. If your partner is just not down to make it happen, maybe they’re not the person to indulge your fantasies. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong for each other, just that you need to figure out how to get what you need, whatever that means for you; don’t deny yourself the experience of living out your sex dreams because your partner doesn’t get a boner from it. So, take a chance — and if you fall on your face, I hope you have health insurance.