Dear Ibby, What should I do with my face when a guy wants to give me a facial?

Dear Ibby, What should I do with my face when a guy wants to give me a facial?

SexMay 23, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

That's a great question, and one that's been a pervasive mystery to every man, woman and person in between who's been the generous recipient of a facial.

After all, looking up at the underside of somebody's dick while you wait to get cummed on is one of the most awkward experiences known to man.

There's a brief, yet blisteringly inelegant time period in which you have to hold your face and body relatively still while said man squeezes dick-sperm out of his body, and for a moment or so, you just sit there in reluctant anticipation as if you were standing naked in the shower, waiting for cold water to spew out of the showerhead.

In porn, men and women open their mouths in eager expectation of the forthcoming semen monsoon. In reality, doing that looks kind of dumb. Or at least it feels kind of dumb to do.

As the recipient, this is what it feels like you look like:

... and even though that doesn't matter at all to the person that's giving you the facial (they probably think it's hot), it's just weird for the person getting one sometimes.

Thankfully, there are a bunch of things you can do to get around that issue, and a bunch of things you can do with your face so you're not just sitting there in idle discomfort.

1. Eye contact ...

Maintaining eye contact with someone while they orgasm is one of the sexiest things you can do. Ever tried it? Try it.

2.  ... But don't let him come in your eye.

One time, a dude came in my eye.  I saw the blob coming for it, jiggling in mid air, but before I had time to snap my eyelid shut, there were 13 million sperm in my cornea.

At first I was like "Ha ha, it's chill," and wiped it out as best I could.

Flash forward 30 seconds, and it was not very chill. My eye turned the color of hell, and burned like someone switched my Visine out for sulfuric acid.

Miscellaneous fluids oozed out of my face, and my vision went cloudy.

When I got home, my mom asked me what was wrong.

I wanted to tell her that I was crying semen, but instead I just told her I got in a fight with my boyfriend and went to my room where I poured a gallon of water into my ocular cavity. 

The experience was on par with getting a tooth pulled sans anesthesia or finding out you were adopted, plus your mom brought home the wrong flavor of Tombstone pizza.

All this to say, keep your eyes open while you're waiting, but close your eyes at the point of impact. Or, grab his dick when he's coming and aim it away from your baby blues.

3. You can do whatever you want with your mouth

You can open it, baby bird style. You can keep it closed. You can part your lips and lick them every now and then. You can smile. You can not smile. You can make a weird face. Do whatever the fuck you want. Don't feel like you have to put on a face show for him; after all your face is getting cummed on so it can do what it wants.

If you're really into facials and semen, open your mouth and stick out your tongue. You'll look like a starving infant eagle waiting for its mother to return with regurgitated squirrel for a few seconds, but you'll also look like you're really into it which is hot.

4. Touch his body

The #1 thing that will make getting a facial less weird is if you touch his body with your hands. That way, you have something to do while he squeezes semen out of his dick, and you can follow the path of your hands with your eyes which will take care of the "Where do I look?!" thing. That is, if you're not into the intense eye contact mentioned above.

You can run your hands along his thighs, stomach and chest, or jack him off yourself. All these things occupy you, which means you're actively involved, not just sitting there waiting for it.

5. Touch your own body, or have someone else do it

The other best solve to the facial awkwardness problem is to focus not on the tablespoon of cum that's about to splash on your T-Zone, but on yourself.

You don't have to be sitting still while you're waiting for it; you can be masturbating with your hand or a toy or, even better, fucking someone else.

If you busy yourself with maintaining your own pleasure and arousal, two very important things will happen. The first is that it'll be even hotter for the person coming on your face to see that they're doing so during a moment of pleasure for you. The second, and arguably more important, is that you take the time to get yourself off as well.

Too often, we focus on male ejaculation as the pinnacle of sex; the climax of the act from which all action dissipates. But if you can keep things going for yourself while he comes, you skirt that problem.

When you get yourself off, you can let your face do whatever it normally does in that moment, which completely takes the pressure off of you to "have to" do anything with it in particular other than let it be itself. That way, there's no idling, no uncomfortable waiting, and no lapse in your own pleasure.

Pro tip: When you're done, wash your face afterwards if you're prone to acne. Sperm are dumb; they think your pores are a vagina. They'll die in them. If you have perfect, placid angel skin on the other hand, don't bother. You can wear that milk mustache all the live-long day if you want.