Dear Ibby, What should I do when my boyfriend won't fuck me because he's stoned?
Dress up like a large-and-in-charge marijuana plant and dance around suggestively while releasing a fine THC smoke from beneath your costume. So fucking hot ...
But for real, your boyfriend won’t fuck you because weed sometimes murders and maims boners. THC can sometimes act as smooth muscle relaxant, causing erectile tissue in the wang to be less respondent to signals from the brain telling it to get hard. It can also lower your blood pressure and decrease your heart rate, making it harder for your penis to fill with bonerizing blood. But, according to a 2011 survey from Psychology today, these negative dick effects only occur in about 12 percent of men. The problem, then, may be less with him and more with what he’s smoking.
The easiest solution would be to have him experiment with different strains of weed (so hard, I know). Different strains have different concentrations of ingredients and their effects on the body can vary greatly, so you’ll want him to try as many as he can get his limp little dick on. One of them is sure to strike a chord.
If you need a starting point for strain selection, online marijuana resource Leafly has analyzed user reviews and compiled a list of the best strains for arousal. Green Crack (sativa), Grandaddy Purple (indica), Atomic Northern Lights (hybrid), Hindu Skunk (indica) and Sour Dream (hybrid) all topped the list.
If that doesn’t work, try to get him to tell you why he’s holding out when he’s high. It might be that he just wants to speculate about whether or not your drywall is haunted with the spirits of farts when he’s high, and that’s his dumb prerogative. Maybe he just wants to enjoy the high while it lasts and have an internal experience with himself, and you have to respect that. Men are also allowed to be un-horny sometimes, have you heard?
… However, that’s no reason to settle. The world is full of boyfriends who will fuck you when you want to be fucked, regardless of what’s in their toddler-sized bong. If I were you, and I might be if this potion kicks in, I’d maybe see about one of them instead.