Dear Ibby, Why would a girl ask to be a friend with benefits, but then give me the impression she wants to be more that that? Any advice?

Dear Ibby, Why would a girl ask to be a friend with benefits, but then give me the impression she wants to be more that that? Any advice?

SexMarch 11, 2015

Oh, man … are you one of those people that gets easily confused about what meat’s actually in chicken fried steak?

You’re wearing very self-assured idiot blinders. This girl isn’t trying to be in a relationship with you.

Nope; the whole reason why girls want a friends with benefits (FWB) situation is because they don’t want to be in a relationship with you.The pretext of casual, non-exclusive NSA sex that comes with a FWB arrangement practically screams “not dating” to everyone except you, apparently.

So, instead of trusting the subjective “impression” you get from her, trust the parameters of the relationship you’ve set up. But wait — what’s that? You haven’t set any up? Well, there’s your problem, big guy or gal or genderless person.  Anytime you start a relationship (whether it’s dating, FWB, sugar daddy/baby and so on), you have to to specify rules and boundaries so people don’t get hurt and confused. Are you exclusive? How do you feel about each other? If you’re going to be in this type of relationship with this girl, these are the things you should be talking about.

Another thing to think about:  a girl’s version of a FWB is likely entirely different than a guy’s. Most of the time, I'd say girls are more capable of sharing  intimate, relationship-y moments with a fuck buddy than guys are, because that’s how girls relate to people in general. So if she’s hanging around your house more often, trying to cuddle you in oblivion, telling you about her day and trying to get food with you (like a girlfriend would),  it doesn’t mean she wants to be your girlfriend. It means she wants to be your friend. And also fuck you. She's just treating you like she'd treat a friend.

You, on the other hand, probably see a friends with benefits relationship as one where you have casual sex and that’s it. You don’t share intimate details of your day and talk about your hopes and dreams with 99% of your male friends, so when she’s acting that way to you, you’re probably interpreting it as something more on her end. Because of how you would relate to her as your friend, you expect her to fulfill more of a booty call role than an actual FWB.

But that’s not what this is, it sounds like. It can be, if you set it up that way, but you have to communicate about it so it fits both of your expectations.

Of course, FWB relationships can always transcend the space-time continuum when one person develops feelings for the other, but without definitive proof that it’s playing out like that, you don’t need to bother and self-congratulate yourself by thinking she wants to have your mutant babies.