New Denver Bronco Evan Mathis receives an insane letter from a fan because he hates backwards hats
If you’re not privy to whom Evan Mathis is quite yet, let’s just say he’s a towering trunk of hunk-beef that’s going to bust his ass protecting our quarterback on a quest to obliterate every other team in the National Football League this year. To recap: He’s a badass.
He's also a “catcher behind home plate, a welder, an unintelligent ‘skate boarder’ with an unsuccessful future, an illegal immigrant working in the lettuce fields ..., a foul mouthed rap singer who’s lyrics are both profane and violent (and also) a drug pusher” — or so says an irate supporter of forward facing hats.
Why is Mathis all these things? The writer of the letter, sent to Mathis a few days ago, claims it’s because he wears his hat backwards, and as any of us know, backwards-facing hats are the devil’s fashion and are one of the easiest ways in our current culture to pick out those who are either going up after death, or the damned who hold a one-way charcoal-laced ticket down to funville. It’s also a proven fact that facing a ball cap backwards indeed lowers a man’s I.Q. by a solid 15 points. “Only 15,” we say? Worth it …
Let’s be clear, being 80 years old is probably a nightmare in and of itself, so we’re not jousting at this author’s sensibilities to somehow Internet shame him into a darker hole. He’s from a different time, and likely losing his mind. Hell, we’re 30 and already can’t stand the youth, what’s 50 more years going to do to us? The fact is, this is hilarious, and absolutely, 100 percent, totally true — because wearing one’s hat backwards is incredibly dangerous and, as anyone knows, immediately leads someone into spitting sick bars Wiz Khalifa himself couldn’t even fathom. It’s truth this man speaks, truth we say!
To Mr. Mathis, may your sick rhymes, delicious illegal lettuce, perfectly arched weld seams and high-quality drugs bless this state — we’re better now that you’re here. Welcome.
We’d tip our hats to you, if only we could find where we put our brim. Looks like we need those I.Q. points after all …