Do you live in Colorado? Can you give Shia LeBeouf a ride?
Even Stevens was his undoubted opus magnum, but that hasn't stopped man-with-questionable-celebrity Shia LeBeouf from continuing to pursue his passion for artistic exploration.
For the past few years, Le Beef (as we like to call him) has been inflicting his own brand of performance art on society — the quality of which we'd rate a solid "What? Wait, what?"
For one, he attempted to watch every single one of his movies all the way through with a live feed directly on him. Then, he did that whole #IAMSORRY exhibit thing where he sat in a room with strangers silently or something, yadda yadda yadda.
Now, for his latest piece of "art," he's reviving the ancient practice of hitch-hiking around the rough-and-tumble streets of Colorado. Rumor has it that if you're the lucky one that picks him up, he will instruct you to "Take him anywhere" and he and his two-person crew will just have to deal with whatever location you choose. He's like the world's most annoying Uber passenger.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Oh, I don't know ... take me anywhere!"
Usually, when you pick up hitchhikers, they just gut you from pubis to cranium with some sort of crescent-shaped knife meant for bleeding pigs — something which would be a welcome result if it meant not having to sit through a Shia LeBeouf ride-sharing program. However, rest assured that while physical evisceration is unlikely in the case of the Hitchhiking Shia, mental evisceration is almost a guarantee for you if you make the attempt to grapple with his attempt at provocative performance art.
If that's the kind of artistic sadism you like, though, then this is what you'll need to do if you want to be the lucky one who actually picks him up:
First of all, you'll need to have a car. Second, be in Colorado. The actor is staying within state lines for this performance piece, so dumping him in Wyoming is a no-no.
Last thing: you'll need a Twitter account. Using the hashtag #TAKEMEANYWHERE, The Beef will be tweeting out his coordinates at each place he gets dropped as he moves around the state, so if you're for some reason dying to have him in your clutches for what will most likely not be a comfortable car ride, take thee to the Twitter in search of him.
Since he's started tweeting his coordinates around Colorado, he’s already been in 16 places in 15 days. Unfortunately, none of these places are "back home in bed" where he belongs, but it's our sincere hope that one of you swoops him from the side of the road and at least takes him to D.I.A. so he can slither back into the troglodyte underworld where he belongs.
In the meantime, here's a completely disturbing video of singer Rob Cantor's song "Shia LeBeouf" in which he imagines a strange, backwoods meeting with the Hollywood actor for some reason.