Does wearing red make you hotter? Survey says yes, we say survey needs to lay off the reefer

Does wearing red make you hotter? Survey says yes, we say survey needs to lay off the reefer

SexAugust 26, 2014

While you were sleeping last night, science was hard at work figuring out how men can make themselves more attractive to women despite their micro-penis and concerning obsession with Tiger Woods. And while most attractiveness-boosting things involve improvements like "getting stupid rich and growing a personality," it turns out there's one simple thing they can do to up their game: wear red.

According to researchers at the Universtiy of Wuhan in China, red conveys power and status to women. Mmm, yeah. Power is hot. Power means you can provide more resources for offspring and fight off that pterodactyl.

But by that logic, why are Target employees not the biggest pimps you've ever heard of? How come your girlfriend isn't begging to you dress up like Santa and bang her in the chimney?

Probably because that study is bullshit. Sure, red has been used to show lust, virility and passion, but it's also the color of cranberries. And the nasty flavor of Skittles. And Santa. And the laser pointer your flash at passing airplanes, you insolent little shit. Weird how none of that arouses me.

As a certified woman, I can tell you that a man wearing red has no better chance of experiencing my Elvis bed sheets than a man wearing black. What matters infinitely more isn't the color of clothing my potential sexual conquests are wearing, it's how their outfit is put together and the overall. To me, carelessly wearing red to attract chicks in lieu of a sense of style screams "I have no idea what do to with myself sartorially and this red shirt has the least semen on it, so here's what I'm wearing, please don't let my riveting negligence of style dissuade you." I'm not saying that if you're hot and funny and wearing red I won't do you, I'm saying that simply wearing a color isn't going to help your utter lack of personality in the dating arena.

What this study is a better example of is the lengths that researchers are willing to go to produce commodifiable study results. Think about this from a marketing and business standpoint. Think about how many dating apps, clothing companies, and aimless bachelors will advertise that study's results in an effort to seem like they hold the secret to male attractiveness? How many websites will do a story on this in order to get clicks? People, and more relevantly, companies, buy into that shit.

The intricate workings of female interest are finitely more complicated and subject than this research give it credit for. What would be a better research question is whether women find the same man more attractive if he's dressed in a button-down and nice shoes or a Volcom t-shit, basketball shorts, and flip-flops. That would really shed some light on how to dress to attract some labias.

Science has also found the same results for women wearing red. A  recent study from the University of British Columbia found that women wear red and pink more frequently when they're ovulating in an unconscious effort to reveal their fertility to potential mates. OkCupid even found that babes in red got more matches and  messages than ladies wearing a less-boner arousing color. But again, after asking a few of my male friends whether they'd chose the twin in red over the twin in blue and finding that they didn't care, they just wanted to have a threesome with twins, I'm even more confident in my theory that it's not what you're wearing, but how you're wearing it that matters. 

Perhaps this indicates that more research is needed to elucidate how exactly the color red affects attraction, but it also reveals that attraction is subjective and not as cut-and-dry as some researchers would like you to think it is. However, we can tell you that if you have a penchant for wearing red, you would make a great Canadian mountie.