Drunk equestrian restores the balance of masculinity to the streets of Boulder

Drunk equestrian restores the balance of masculinity to the streets of Boulder

VicesSeptember 10, 2013

In today's hyper metrosexual world of testicle waxing and vanilla-scented hair gel, it's refreshing to see that there are still a few rugged manly men roaming the earth. On horseback. With pugs. Oh, fuck yeah.

Patrick Neal Schumacher, 45, of Larkspur, CO., was arrested Monday near CU-Boulder for riding a horse, totally wasted, with a black powder pistol and pug in his backpack. A few concerned Boulderites with diminished manliness sensors called the cops after bearing witness to the spectacular display of pure manhood that was Patrick, drunkenly weaving in and out of traffic on a busy road, "hitting his horse." He says he was swatting flies off it. We totally believe him. We'd believe anything he says. Call us, Patrick.

Police "pulled him over," and he subsequently failed a roadside sobriety test. He was given a R.U.I (riding under the influence), because apparently horseback riding while drunk is illegal, and charged with animal cruelty, prohibited use of weapons, and reckless endangerment. Oh, bullshit. No wonder men have lost their masculinity; everything manly is apparently illegal. Thanks for nothing, BPD.

The man himself told police that he was riding to Bryce, UT for his brother's wedding since he had recently lost his driver's license (probably doing something awesome). Bryce is 600 fucking miles away. People, can you feel the 100% Grade A, bona-fide MAN? Patrick. What's your number. Seriously.