F*ck Bieber and Bloom, here are 12 celebrity death fights we’d rather see
Everyone knows Orlando Bloom/ f*cking Legolas tried to beat up Justin Bieber in Ibiza over some interpersonal drama on Tuesday, and has since become the World's Foremost Out-of-Commission-Celebrity Hero. But while we applaud his attempt to end that little peckerwood Justin, we think there's better celebrity battles to be had.
1. Gary Busey vs. A beaver
Location: The forest
The object of this battle is purely dental. Who can chop and carve more trees using their gigantic razor sharp teeth to build a fully-functioning dam first?
2. DMX vs. Lil’ Wayne
Location: The streets, in a kiddie pool filled with Sizzurp
They both talk in tongues, have 13,402 children, spend the holidays in jail, have really distinct voices, and are clinically insane. We’re pretty sure DMX has Lil’ Wayne beat in the physicality department, but Lil’ Wayne has shot himself twice so you know he can handle the pain.
3. Angelina Jolie vs. The Octomom
Location: An impoverished country or the maternity ward
Who can adopt more trendy malnourished children while fending off the blows of the other? Bonus points if one of them can harness the power of fertility and auto-impregnate during the battle, adding to their ever-growing posse of prepubescents that'll in turn, battle each other once Angelina and the Octomom tap out.
4. James Franco vs. Seth Rogen
Location: Shit, anywhere
Hollywood’s most endearing bromance has melted the collective hearts of Americans everywhere for years, but wouldn’t it be shamefully satisfying to see them go at it? We bet Franco’s quick and wily, but Rogen’s a hulking stoner beast so our money’s on him.
5. Donald Draper vs. Himself
Location: Your Netflix queue
If you’ve ever seen Mad Men, and don't lie we know you have, you know that Donald Draper’s biggest enemy is himself. But we’re tired of that plot motif, so we’d kind of like to see him beat the shit out of himself. Like he gets up to give some sort of transcendent sales pitch, but instead just punches himself in the dick.
6. Bill Murray vs. Jeff Goldblum
Location: A rare books library or a mustache barber shop in Portland
Whose old-man quirkiness will cause us to question our absurd affinity for destinct acting as they stage an old-fashioned glove-slapping duel in slow motion while "Powerman" by The Kinks play in the background?
7. Pamela Anderson vs. Christina Hendricks
Location: A bra store
Boob fighting. If you haven’t heard of it yet, you will after you’re done reading this sentence.
8. Lana Del Rey vs. Flo the Progressive Girl
Location: Walmart, because that would almost as sad as Lana Del Rey
It’s not hard to make Sad Girl of the Century Lana Del Rey cry, but wouldn’t it be great if the person that did it was the most robotically gleeful, remorseless character ever invented? Plus, we’d love to see Lana deliver on all that self-proclaimed insanity and rage she’s always singing about, and someone …. anyone, has got to give it to Flo soon or we’re going to be more depressed than Lana Del Rey at a child’s birthday party.
9. Willow Smith vs. Jaden Smith
Location: Another dimension
Willow Smith’s got hair that she whips back and forth, which is menacing, but Jaden’s got a really demented outlook on life for a 13-year-old, two things that seem irrelevant, but could be used as battle weapons, making this sibling rivalry the fight of the century.
10. Paula Deen vs. James Deen
Location: A kitchen that’s part of a porn set
There’s such a wealth of witty pre-fight threats they could throw at each other. For example, James could say “I’m going to cream you,” which has more than one meaning. Paula could be like “I’m gonna butter you up,” which has more than one meaning. Then James would be like “You have diabetes,” which only has one meaning. They both know how to use a sausage … and toss a salad … and work with roast beef. See where we’re going with this?
11. Insane Clown Posse vs. Weird Al Yankovic
Location: In our dreams
This one would be more of a lyrical combat than a fist fight, but that could happen too if you want. ICP’s got some pretty mean lyrics, like “Fucking magnets, how do they work?” and “I ate a dead body. I ain’t proud of it.” But are they strong enough to crush Weird Al’s parody of Lorde’s “Royals?” The one he called “Foil?” The one where he goes, “But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation, microbes, enzymes, mold and oxidation?” Time will tell.
12. Richard Simmons vs. Darth Vader
Location: A children's ballet studio
Richard Simmons is just about the cutest, most amazing human specimen our planet has to offer, so it only makes sense for Darth Vader to chose him as a battle buddy. Yeah, Vader's got a light saber and can asphyxiate you using only his eyes, but have you seen Richard on Who’s Line is it Anyway? He’s unstoppable and so glittery that we feel like it would deflect the light saber. And we mean, he works out every day. Or, if Darth Vader isn’t available, Vladimir Putin would work too.