Fecal fantasies: getting paid to poop
On his 30 minute commute to work in downtown Orlando, FL, Cody feels a rumbling in his tummy. He giggles to himself, and a feeling of smug satisfaction washes over him. As soon as he gets to the office, he’s going to get paid to poop.
Cody is a 23-year-old friend of mine. And no, dropping a deuce isn’t in his job description. He works in accounting. But he’s been tracking the time he spends on the office’s porcelain throne. According to his calculations, he’s earned over $300 crapping on company time. And he’s not alone. In an act of mild corporate rebellion, Cody and thousands more white-collar employees are using apps like Poo Pays to record how much their jobs pay them to shit.
“It comes out to about $9 per poop,” Cody boasts. “Assuming an average of 2 per day, I’m raking in over $2,000 every year just by shitting.” Cody tracks his bowel movement revenue in an Excel workbook. Every financial aspect of his life is logged in the cells of spreadsheet. But not every person who wants to track their poop income enjoys accounting like Cody does. For the less math-inclined, a new personal finance app was designed to do the work.
Daniel Kalasinki, creator and sole developer of Poo Pays, was squatting on the toilet, wondering how much he got paid to sit there, when inspiration struck him. “Instead of pulling out a calculator and manually working out the numbers, I decided to solve the problem with an app,” Daniel says.
The way Poo Pays works is simple: you input your salary or hourly wage. You start a timer when you head off to the bathroom to poo. You stop it as soon as you return. Over time, you watch your poop revenue grow.
Daniel immediately saw a shit-load of potential in his product. “Pooping is one of those things that everyone does, so right away I have a potential market of 100 percent of humans,” he says. “It usually starts as a joke. People find it funny to visualize how much money they earn for sitting on the toilet. I think after using it a few times people start appreciating the data analysis aspect.”
Poo Pays isn’t the only poop app on the market. The desire to calculate the income of our bowel movements has led to the development of several similar apps, including Pooponomics, Pricey Poop, Paid 2 Poo, and Poop Salary.
What differentiates Poo Pays from the competition is the pattern-tracking. As Daniel describes, “Once you've been using the app for a while, you start seeing some really cool trends. Currently you can see how frequently you poop by day of week, duration, time of day, and season. Additionally you can filter down to a specific category and do more detailed analysis. For example, I can filter my analytics page to show only poops on Tuesday, and I can tell you that 52 percent of my poops on Tuesdays have been in the afternoon. So with a fairly high level of confidence I can tell you that I will be pooping between 12pm - 5pm today. It's great for planning.”
The poop app market has infinitely more features to offer. Pooponomics includes sound effects. Poop Salary’s premium edition gives achievements, including the “Mogul” award for taking a $100 poop, or the “Snip It Off” which rewards you for taking a shit in under one minute. In the future, Daniel plans to upgrade Poo Pays with a GPS tracker that shows a heat map of where you poop most often. He wants to implement leaderboards that allow you to compete with coworkers.
Cody and the thousands of other others who have downloaded Poo Pays didn’t do so just because poop humor is funny. They love the idea of forcing their employers to pay them for their basic bodily functions. For them, Poo Pays is a way to “stick it to the man.” In a job where they’re expected to spend every minute on the clock efficiently and productively, unhurried shits offer a form of rebellion.
For corporate employees, leisurely pooping also fosters a sense of liberation. As one Poo Pays user described, “Pooping offers an escape from all the stress that sits around my work desk. When I take my time on the toilet, I can flush my worries away with my turds.”
As we get older, we have fewer opportunities to feel naughty without committing a serious offense. For Poo Pays users, pooping at work is one of the most harmless ways they’ve found to get a thrill. If you want to feel the same rush of rebellion and embrace some “me” time on the company dime, download Poo Pays, step into the sanctuary of a bathroom stall, and watch the money pile up with the poo.