A few fashion products and trends that just...won't...die
Here at Rooster, we've been noticing a few fashion trends that just won't die, much like Betty White. So, we've decided to assume the role of the undertaker, and put these fashion atrocies six feet under, where they belong. Here are a few trends that we'd like to see in a better place.
Anything that says 'NYC' on it
Look, we get it. NYC is a place. If you love it so much, why do you live in Minnesota or whatever? Why don't you marry it? We don't need to be constantly reminded that you know of a place that exists. It makes you look like a tourist, so if you're going to throw on your NYC gear, you might as well whip out your binoculars, comfortable walking shoes, and high-waisted khaki utility shorts too.
Like a cross between an eco-conscious hobo and a Mexican stable-boy, the drug rug is a dead giveaway that your parents are billionaires. You clearly have a trust fund that you can only access once they're sure you've stopped dealing molly. Wear a drug rug only in a time of absolute necessity, such as during a blizzard when you need to climb into something warm or you'll die.
Weird Irish pub hat things
Pub hats are like the uncircumcised penises of hats. There is no reason in this cold, cold world why you need a flop of extra fabric on top of the brim of your hat. Just wear a normal hat. Fuck.
Bejeweled pieces of shit
It's unfortunate that jewels, of all things, have become a flaming emblem of tackiness, but it's only because the nation's trailer park residents and MILFs have taken it upon themselves to affix anything shiny they can to their clothing.
Headbands where they're not wanted
What are you getting at here? Your hair is already up and away from your face, so why must you fasten a constricting tube of fabric to your cranium? To make lumps in the top of your hair? No, child. No. Unless you're going for that overachieving middle school student look, then you have to make the Sophie's Choice-esque decision between a ponytail or a headband, and that's that.
Never has any fashion item so feverishly screamed "I'm trying to be edgy but I don't know how!" Wedge boots beg the question: what can you do to shoes that's new and no one's seem before? Make them look like moose hooves? Also, they make your legs look weird. Sorry for all your short ladies, but wedge boots are another one of those "trying too hard" things.
Any shirt that tries to have a conversation with you
... We will, thank you?
Well, we were going to grab at your shoes like rabid fiends who haven't eaten in weeks, but since you're wearing spikes, we'll back the fuck off. Spikes make you look way overdone; they're like the cherry on top of the cherry on top of the 16-foot-high stack of cherries. Oh, and they tear flesh apart. They give off that whole "don't you dare come near me" vibe, which is probably why you don't have a boyfriend.
Matching "I've given up" sweatsuits
Sure, matching sweatsuits are great if you're say, impersonating a color. Like if you want to "be the color green." Other than that, a matching sweatsuit sends the message that you're on your way home from some sort of operation (in which case, that sweatsuit looks great on you!), or that you're in the Russian mafia. If you must wear a "sweat item," try, for the love of all that is holy, to wear it with something not made of terry.
Glasses that aren't glasses
Since when has poor eyesight been something you want people to think you have? The hipster-glasses trend truly baffles us, much like the concept of Gary Busey as a person, or trying to think of a new color. You don't see people walking around with fake prosthetic limbs, so why do people walk around with glasses that aren't glasses? And no, they don't make you look like a cute nerd. They make you look like you actually need real glasses to see how dumb you look.
It seems that men have recently jumped aboard the leggings train, eager to get a taste of the comfort and flexibility the female population enjoys when they wear a pair. That's fine and dandy, men, if you're going for the "young boy smuggling marbles in their front pocket" look, if you know what we mean. All we're saying is that we can see your dick.
Harem pants are great if you're smuggling drugs, stealing things, or have a 132-pound scrotum. But for the rest of us, harem pants elongate our torsos to a terrifying degree, like we're standing on midget's shoulders. Plus, what's with that waste of fabric? Aren't there starving children somewhere that could use that excess stretch cotton fabric for shelter or makeshift rucksacks? We both know that harem pants are going to be one of those things that our kids make fun of us for in 10 years.
Oh, and with regards to the onesie sweatsuit you saw at the very top? Two words: can't poop.