A few great hangover cures from your fellow Denver drunks

A few great hangover cures from your fellow Denver drunks

VicesApril 09, 2020
These hangover cures might not be medically plausible, but hey...it works for these people who understand what it's like to wake up the next day feeling like you've been run over by a pair of giant boobs.

1. “I like to wake up drunk.” –Molly L.

Sure Molly, that’s one way to go about it. There’s no better cure for a hangover than not getting one in the first place. Waking up drunk will absolutely prevent the guilt and pain of drinking, but once the body hits sobriety, the fun quickly turns into the ninth circle of Dante’s inferno. Shoveling beers in the hope of a hangover cure begins to fade along with your social interaction until sleep deprivation from the night before kicks in. Next thing you know, your jokes are racist, sexist and terribly incoherent, forcing your friends to take you home.


2. “My hangover cure is being awesome.” –Rika W.

Rika is on to something. Can hangovers be kicked simply by social and personal status? Negative, ghostrider. No matter how hard you try and shake the guilt of 10 tequila shots and bathroom fornication, the mind’s memory bank is indestructible. The only thing you’ll be shaking is your spoon as you try and feed yourself stale cheerios and milk. Mentally, you might have a chance. But physically, you’re doomed.


3. “Two aspirin, a blue Gatorade, ginger ale, eggs and an orange Izzy.” –Mike L.

Aspirin for the headache; Gatorade for hydration and electrolyte restoration; ginger ale to ease the wishy-washy stomach; eggs,for fuel and the powerful amino acid and chemical that breaks down alcohol, cysteine; and an orange Izzy, for pure fruity enjoyment. The ingredients have been considered, and they all seem practical. Good work, young grasshopper.


4. “Xanax.” –Melonie, M.

The hangover cure of a generation, benzos are a common morning-after accompaniment for the seasoned millennial drinker. When it comes to hangover remediation, alprazolam might not be the best option, although it can be used to wean alcoholics off of booze. Conversely, alcohol can be used to wean pill poppers off of benzos. This one is bound to work, although we highly recommend against it for myriad health reasons.


5. “Marijuana, men and money.” -Teresa E.

Considering Teresa’s advice, women and gay men everywhere have nothing to fear when it comes to the nefarious hangover, aside from a potential STD. And it all makes sense: Weed cures all, sex releases endorphins, and money can buy you anything else you might need in your state of misery. Just remember ladies, once the tequila shots dissipate and sobriety surfaces, that man might not look like Ryan Gosling anymore, and your hangover just became a walking, talking, single-move sex machine.


6. “Raw eggs and OJ.” –Kyle K.

Honestly, slam anything raw, and you’ll cure your hangover, your girlfriend problems and the mystery behind dark matter. Whether or not it’s the placebo effect is up for debate, but you can’t deny the health benefits of eggs — even if you toss them back like Rocky before an afternoon run. And we highly advise against the run aspect due to the toxic combination of raw food, settled Jager shots and exercise.


7. “Peppered potatoes, Arizona basketball and Dot’s Diner.” –Johnny L.

There’s nothing like a heavy serving of Idaho’s best and a hefty morning gut buster to soak up the well-liquor remnants. It seems like Johnny here prefers to eat potatoes before he goes to a breakfast spot — strange, but legit. Follow this with an afternoon of laying completely still and minimal thinking, and you’ve created the perfect hangover cure. It looks like this one has staying power, considering the Wildcats hold a top ranking in the country.


8. “One coffee, one glacier freeze Gatorade, one ginger ale, one water.” –Katie W.

Sounds more like a George Thurgood drinking song than anything else. It all works though. Coffee for the headache and energy; Gatorade and water for the hydration; ginger ale for the stomach. Katie may be on to something, but seriously: Where’s the food? No human being can drink that much liquid without consuming any food along the way … unless it’s alcohol.


9. “Aloe vera juice; its ultra-hydrating … and a back wax.” –Dandy Dan in Denver

Now aloe vera juice makes sense; it’s been used for centuries for all sorts of remedies from healing cuts to helping ease stomach aches. Generally it’s a detoxifying cactus liquid. Still, drinking it doesn’t seem that appetizing, especially when you’re trying to suppress the overwhelming urge to vomit out all of your stomach’s contents. But a back wax? Dan’s got some explaining to do for the second half of his remedy. Perhaps all of the pain and stress of getting hair violently ripped out of your back is eventually relieving?


10. “Minimum a 100-mg edible, two bong rips, a fatty breakfast, a bloody mary with lots of hot sauce and black pepper, five cigarettes, an Adderall if you have one. If not, coffee, sex, sleep, sex and football.” –Jack S.

We’ll go out on a limb and assume this isn’t Jack’s first rodeo. His specifics deserve an applause. This cocktail is sure to get rid of all of that haze from the night before and might even get you started on another bender. Drinking the morning after isn’t the best remedy because it just prolongs your hangover, but if you live in the midst of a constant bender (like Jack does), go ahead and imbibe. The weed and edible should get rid of your headache and drunk stomach. The speed should be a nice wake-up call combined with cigarettes, of course. Sex should relax the body; and sleep, well, don’t go hoping for any of that with all of the Adderall and coffee. Finally football, now there’s an American hangover cure.


Beyond the border hangover cures: What our foreign friends ingest when hangover hell sets in.

1. Mongolia: a glass of pickled sheep eyeballs mixed into tomato juice.

Perhaps digesting sheep eyeballs and tomato juice will induce enough violent sickness to rid your body of all the toxins. Or you’ll forget drinking half of the bar because you’re contemplating a hospital visit after eating those eyebaaaahhhhls!

2. Mexico: tripe soup with garlic and onion.

Across the world, livestock parts are central ingredients to hangover cures; Turkey and Romania also use tripe (cow stomach) to thwart the hangover curse, although with slightly different ingredients. We’re guessing tripe cures the hangover because your G.I. tract is now enemy numero uno.

3. Sicily: a dried bull’s penis.

And there it is, the ultimate hangover cure that takes courage, strength and a deep throat. Hell, we’ve had our fair share of miserable red-wine hangovers, but nothing that’s pushed us to the point of taking a bull in our mouth. Don’t they have Gatorade in Sicily?

4. Vietnam: ground rhino horn soaked in hot water.

If you can afford to drop a cool quarter million for a rhino horn and you’re a raging asshole, go ahead and try out this lavish hangover cure. In Vietnam, the rhino horn has mythical properties. It’s also highly illegal to be in possession of the horns of endangered species. So if you’re extremely hungover, don’t mind a Vietnamese death sentence, and have a chance to get to Vietnam, by all means, partake.

5. Philippines: a poached, fertilized duck embryo (balut).

We aren’t talking a Le Peep omelet, folks. Crazy Pacific Islanders mean business. The egg (called a balut in the Philippines) sports a full duck fetus inside of it when the ingestion occurs. Eggs are one thing, but eating a partially formed duck must be the worst hangover cure since the Italians ate bull penis.