A few things we'd really like to infuse with weed

A few things we'd really like to infuse with weed

VicesJune 02, 2014

Improving upon the perennial classic that is coffee is a daunting task for most ... unless the potential coffee-improver is armed with a thing of pure THC extract. In that case, the glorious union of coffee and marijuana is better than plain, old "not going to get you so high you pee in your own face" coffee. That's why we were so psyched when we came across Legal, a new marijuana infused cold-brew coffee from Washington.

Being billed as a "wake and bake" drink, the stuff contains 20 milligrams of THC,  enough to make most people feel like they've had a glass of wine or a "nice IPA." Apparently, the combination of caffeine and THC creates an "alert, creative high," or, as one tester of the coffee-weed love-child said: "Drinking this coffee is like riding a cool avalanche of pure deliciousness down a tall mountain and landing in an ocean of good feelings. You’ll swim off into a day of work or play filled to the brim with pure joy." Translation: it's good.

But all this improving-upon-already-awesome things with weed made us wonder ... what else would be better if we infused it with pure, unadulterated THC?

1. Water, duh

Sock your drymouth in the mouth and fill your GI tract with THC in one fell swoop, like a boss.

2. Boxers

Unwanted boners can't crop up if they're too high to inflate. Take that, TSA-strip-search boner. Take. That.

3. Our performance review meeting

We're pretty sure that we'd look a lot better on paper through the bloodshot eyes of our assistant manager if that meeting was infused with weed.

4. Our subsequent job interview

Zero qualifications? Fabricated references? A resume that's tainted with caramel frappucino spillage? Welcome aboard.

5. Syria

Decreased violent crime rates in Denver since legalization show a correlation between being baked and being too baked to participate in a bloody uprising.

6. Doritos

The only reason you're eating them is because you're high, so why not replace that green pepper powder with another, slightly more addictive green thing? That's how you build a loyal customer base.

7. That new Angelina Jolie move, Maleficent

Just kidding, nothing could make that movie good. But, if you infuse that situation with weed, we can promise the pain of wasting $13 on a ticket will be replaced with a nice, numbing haze.

8. Exercising your constitutional right to democracy

Voting when bribed to do so with weed makes your American right to elect a chosen leader so much more American. Just ask voters who cast a ballot in San Jose's municipal election last Tuesday. They could receive free weed from local medical dispensaries as a reward for voting in the election, which we're pretty sure increased their voter turnout 420%.