Five news stories that are a) terrifying; and b) would make the most excellent Halloween costumes

Five news stories that are a) terrifying; and b) would make the most excellent Halloween costumes

VicesSeptember 04, 2013

It's only Wednesday, but there's already a lot of scary news out there. Which is so convenient, because Halloween is coming! Check out the top five news stories that we think would make really excellent Halloween costumes.

1. Terrifying thing: alligators are taking over, one city a time

Costume: 700 lb. alligator

Story: Alligators and crocodiles gave a collective "fuck you" to humankind this week when they launched a series of attacks on man using terrifying tactics like growing to over 700 pounds and cornering people on deserted islands for over two weeks.

Exhibit A: New Zealander Ryan Blair was trapped by a monstrous crocodile on a remote island. He was kayaking around Australia's tiny Governor Island when he decided to get out of his boat and proceed on foot. When he returned to his kayak from his stroll, he found that a giant 20-foot croc was blocking his exit, and would chase him away whenever he tried to escape. For two weeks. He was eventually rescued when a local saw the light from the fire Ryan had started on the island, and went to see what it was. Crocodile 1, Ryan 0.

Exhibit B: Two alligators weighing in at over 700 pounds were caught within hours of each other in Mississippi this week. One was 727 pounds, which is a Mississippi state record. Only three days into alligator hunting season, too. Which means there's probably more of them. Lurking in the depths. Waiting patiently for revenge. Fuck.

2. Terrifying thing: curiously strong, killer eight-year-olds

Costume: Karate kid

Story: A Maryland eight year old karate kicked the shit out of his father's ex-girlfriend, who tried to smother and beat him to death while he slept. The 60-pound man-child demonstrated some of the moves he used to defend himself for NBC Washington:

3. Terrifying thing: grievous, unforgiveable misues of #yolo

Costume: Samantha Lynn Goudie

Story: So, this chick blew a .341 BAC after being arrested for trying to run onto the field at a University of Iowa football game. A .341 BAC, for those who don't know = dead. Most people stop breathing at .35, but that didn't stop her from shooting out some Twitter gold after being released from slammer:

She blew up social media with her record shattering .341 BAC and reportedly gained about 20,000 Twitter followers before her account was shut down, but she's a meme now so don't worry:


4. Terrifying thing: This guy's face is stuck like this

Costume: Selfie

Story: Bennie Winfield Jr.'s Instagram is the story. It's blowing up. Have you seen it? No? Well, it's this:

...And so on. Check out his Instagram: @MrPimpGoodGame

5. Terrifying thing: people who wake up thinking they're Chinese, but aren't even one gene sequence close to being Chinese

Costume: You don't have to wear one! You're you! You just talk in whatever accent you choose. Economical!

Story: Sarah Colwill isn't Chinese. Nor is anyone in her family. She's English in fact. One night, she went to sleep in her English bed under her English covers...but the next morning, she woke up with a Chinese accent. But she's not the only person to wake up speaking in a different accent or language. Michael Boatwright of California woke up in a hotel room, with no memory of who he was. He could only talk in Swedish, despite the fact that he was quite American.