A gentlemen's guide for dealing with an angry, angry girlfriend
So, you effed up, and your girlfriend and/or sex doll is pissed. That’s OK; sometimes, Cupid’s arrow doesn’t penetrate deep enough to keep couples from going at it like DMX going at George Zimmerman in the boxing ring. So, in case you find yourself in the doghouse after you mess up, we compiled this handydandy guide to assist you in getting off the couch and back into the bed sooner.
Become a Cleaning Lady
Sometimes it’s the little things that can make the biggest difference. And by little things, we mean pick your shit up off the floor, rinse your pubes off the soap, put the toilet seat down and do the dishes. Picking up around the house will make her feel taken care of, like you respect her and like you’re paying attention to the things that make her happy by taking time out of your day to help her out. Looks like all that cash you spent on that weird men’s French maid outfit is finally going to pay off.
The “I Fucked Up Bouquet”
We don’t know why a bunch of plants wrapped in plastic that you got from King Soopers works, but it does. The severity of the fight should determine the size of your “I fucked up” bouquet. For example, calling her friends “hotass babes” is roughly equal to a few roses, but trashing her house in a drunken stupor? More like a rose football field. Flowers say “I’m sorry I peed on you in my sleep” without you having to say it, making them a perfect option for men who find it difficult to use their face holes to form words.
You may need to implement some of the other suggested apologies before you find yourself back in the sack, but it’ll be worth it. Women want passion. They want to hate you then love you even more. Hell, some women even admit to purposely picking fights with their men just for the intense makeup sex. So next time you find yourself in some sort of ridiculous argument, play along, and make it up to her by going down on her until she tells you to stop and fucking her for more than the usual two minutes. Everyone wins, even your dick.
Let Go of Being Right
What did you and your girlfriend do today? Argue? Yeah? Was it annoying? Mmm? Well once you realize you have the option to let go of being right, you’ll notice you’re no longer fighting. It’s not a fight when one person makes peace and accepts responsibility, and when you’re the first to do that, your livid lady will feel much more inclined to calm down. Plus, if you think about it, it’s not really about which one of you is right, it’s about realizing that relationships are about compromise, and if you’re not willing to compromise by meeting her halfway and admitting you fucked up, then you’re not worthy.
So your girlfriend says the only way she will forgive you is if you get her a unicorn. What do you do? Your two options are to get out of the relationship or get creative. If you want to keep her happy, draw her one, get her a stuffed one, or find a horse, dog or even yourself, and attach a paper towel roll to its head. Get her a damned unicorn. If you haven’t caught on by now, that was a metaphor. Here’s what we’re saying: If she has an impossible request, do the best you can to fulfill it. And if it’s really a unicorn she wants, she’s probably 12, and you’re creepy.
A Nice, Strong, “Fuck You” Drink
Loosen her up with a stiff one. (You dirty dog you, we were talking about a drink … I think). After you fuck up, most women would like to get fucked up, so offer to take her out for a drink. Bonus points if you can remember what she ordered on your first date or her favorite drink. Odds are, when she unwinds, she’ll relax a little, and you two can talk without you fearing for your life. Warning: Too many of these may lead to more illogical, unfounded and senseless fighting. Keep them limited. Make sure the smooching happens before the line of a good buzz is crossed into a good black out.
Show her you care by being selfless. Instead of taking her out or buying her a massage, try it at home. Light some candles, put on some Bon Iver or whatever nonsense is on her iPod, and start the massage marathon. Putting all that effort into making her feel relaxed will show her you value the relationship, regardless how many of her weird moles you have to touch during said massage. Just a little something to show her you care could really go a long way … if she lets you touch her at this point.
Listen to Her, Duh
Ninetynine percent of the time, women just want to be listened to. If you really want to get off her shit list, ask her to tell you how she’s feeling, and be prepared for her to unleash on you. Let her talk about it without interrupting or getting defensive, and really hear what she’s saying. It’ll become much clearer what you did wrong, why she’s pissed, and how you can avoid doing it again. Even if you still think you’re some kind of saint (you’re not), allowing her to get it all off her chest will diffuse the situation faster than the mental image of Ron Jeremy diffuses your boner.
The Ultimate Apology
“Admit you’re wrong.” That was the No. 1 response the female population we spoke to gave when asked how partners should redeem themselves after an argument. So suck up your pride, and admit you fucked up, plain and simple. Even if you don’t think you did anything wrong, she obviously does, so it’s up to you to make the peace offering if you don’t want to be referred to as “my ex.”
Oh, and don’t even think about saying things like “You’re right. I’m always wrong,” and “Yeah, I guess it is my fault again,” or the worst one, “Sorry you’re mad,” unless you feel getting vivisected. Own your mistakes. Got it, champ? Great.
- Step 1: Take a deep breath. You’re so close to being done with this argument.
- Step 2: Apologize. Let’s say it together. Ready? “I’m sorry.” Good.
- Step 3: Genuinely own up to what you did, and promise not to do it again.
- Step 4: Don’t do it again. There, you did it! You’re a big man.