Ghosts are the least of your worries at nude haunted house

Ghosts are the least of your worries at nude haunted house

CultureSeptember 26, 2013

Ah, haunted houses. Rickety, dark joints covered in corn-starch blood and cotton cobwebs, most ostensibly in a corn field, populated by acneic teenagers who are paid in candy corn to get your adrenaline pumping. They're a Halloween staple, and for haunted house owners, business is scary good (pun).

But in Sinking Spring, PA, the fine art of the haunted house is being taken to a whole new level with Shoktoberfest's "Naked and Scared" experience. It is what it sounds like, a haunted house that you run through, au naturale.  Because, if you don't have any pants to "scare off" in the first place, then the next thing to logically get scared off you is your dick. Or tits. That, you guys, is true fear.

"It's about vulnerability -- people putting their defenses down and not being protected by anything. It allows us to scare them in ways they have never been scared before," Shoktoberfest owner Patrick Konopelski told the Huffington Post.

Yeah, like the bloodcurdling sight of seeing someone's penis slap-slapping back and forth furiously as they run shrieking from a high-school thespian in zombie garb. Sounds like the scariest part of this is going to be running from the naked dude behind you, who is screaming because he's running from the naked dude behind him, who's running because he saw a creepy clown. GAAAAAH.

Who's running from who?

But let's get real, Shoktoberfest...no one is actually "protected" by their clothing when they're scared. If a ghost is going to eat your liver with a nice side of garlic green beans, a flimsy piece of fabric isn't going to stop it from happening. We think the real deal here is that people like to get naked around each other. In fact, that has a name: swinger's orgy.

...Oh, wait, you mean there's no sex allowed?

GOD DAMN IT. So it's basically naked folk running from something, not having sex, and courteously respecting each other's right to show each other their junk. Horrifying.