Goats, Ariel Castro, and quaaludes: Rooster's top 8 reasons why we were late to work today
Today is the best day: Be Late for Something Day. But, it doesn't matter what you're late for today, you're gonna need a Grade A excuse. Here's eight indisputable excuses for your tardiness that you can use for any situation.
1. You couldn't figure out if it was Ariel or Fidel Castro that died...
It was Ariel, guys. Fidel lives.
2. A disrespectful goat was on your roof. Your ROOF.
Authorities in Gresham, Oregon had a really hard time getting this goat down, because it "had no respect for them". Apparenty, the goat "only respects one man", and one man only; his owner. He eventually got it down. Your boss can't possibly misunderstand how this poses a threat to your punctuality.
Shit, now you have to take the bus...
4. You woke up Chinese
"I'm Chinese now" is the perfect excuse for showing up late to your meeting. Nothing out of the ordinary here!
5. You were applying for another job
Thankfully, you don't need to know how to spell to fuck Jenna Jameson. A+ for work ethic though.
6. A$AP Rocky slapped you and you just need to file some charges really quick before work...
Everyone's favorite rapper who stole his name from Aesop Rock has been charged with assault for slapping a female fan as he tried to wave fans away as he walked through a crowd at the "Made in America" festival in Philadelphia. Keeping his pimp hand strong, we see...
7. You took an extra long shower this morning
...and took a bunch of quaaludes.
8. You were waiting for your fucking cold brew coffee to finish
So fucking good it's worth the goddamn wait.
So next time your boss is like "I'm really questioning your commitment to this job," or your professor is like "You missed my entire class today," just use one of these Grade A excuses. You can thank us later. Happy Be Late for Something Day!