Hawaiians furiously masturbated after facing missile threat false alarm
Their lives flashed before their eyes.
On January 13, at 8:07 a.m., the people of Hawaii had been told that a ballistic missile was headed straight for them. Mass hysteria and panic ensued. In their homes, people were calling loved ones to say their final goodbyes. On the streets, people were speeding down highways, running red lights, stopping in the streets to abandon their cars, screaming and staring at the sky.
OOPS — state officials announced 38 minutes later — an employee accidentally hit the wrong button. False alarm.
Many of us wonder what that sense of relief must have felt like. Pornhub provided the answer. The company’s statisticians tracked the activity of users in Hawaii moments after the missile warning was made, and moments after they were notified the missile announcement was a mistake.
Almost no one was masturbating while their lives were in peril, online stats show. However, tons of Hawaiians were jerkin’ it as soon as they figured out that they weren’t going to die, and everything was going to be just fine.
To illustrate their findings, Pornhub released the above graph of the dramatic drop and significant spike in its traffic. At 8:23 a.m., 16 minutes after the initial missile warning, masturbation was at an all-time low, 77 percent below the average Saturday’s. Yet after the error was announced at 8:45 a.m., users begin to feel a little more comfortable fapping. By 9:01 a.m., the “I’m alive!” celebration was in full swing, and Hawaiians (and their genitals) were feeling more invigorated than ever. They begin to masturbate feverishly, 48 percent more than they would on any other safe-and-sound Saturday.
Facing imminent death isn’t easy, but porn makes it possible to move on and remember what makes life worth livin’ — masturbation.