Head Games: 8 ways to make getting eaten out feel better than winning the lottery
Congratulations, head enthusiast; you're about to experience Head Games, a weekly column where we discuss oral sex with people from all walks of life. Whether we're covering how to connect your mouth to someone's genitals in the most pleasing way possible, or how different cultures and species blow each other, it'll be covered here, in this fellatio-friendly corner of the internet. Welcome aboard.
Last time on Head Games, we turned the game of on its ... well, head ... when we talked about the thoroughly under-appreciated art of receiving head, from a male perspective. This week, we're focusing on those of you that have a vagina attached to the lower half of your body and how you can make getting eaten out better for everyone involved ... but mostly you.
Here's eight ways to do that.
1. Did you shave? You didn't? I give zero fucks.
Getting head is all about your pleasure. Whether or not your shaved your V for Vagina is irrelevant. At the point where what's-his-face sticks his head between your legs and he's clearly about to eat you out, it no longer matters how many blades your Venus razor has or which Siberian forest your pussy currently resembles. No one in the history of reality has ever halted at that point, stopped what they were doing, and said, "Can you shave this mega forest before I lick you into oblivion?" And if they have, that's their problem. If they can't handle what's going on down there, it's not up to you to tailor your comfort to meet their neurotic requirements. How is their interpretation of you your problem? Mind. Blown.
Does a kiss feel better without a beard? Does fellatio feel better for guys when they've waxed their balls to the point of prepubescent imitation? No, it doesn't. Or at least that's what the three guys at the coffee shop I'm at said when I asked them. And no matter how weirdly they're looking at me, right now, the point is the same. Hair has nothing to do with pleasure. With that in mind, stop worrying about the amount of short-and-curlies on your pubis, even if it's currently rocking a bowl cut.
2. About beef curtains
A lot of women don't like getting eaten out because they're insecure about how their pussies look. But, it's the same story as it is with shaving. Getting head is an ode to your pleasure, a gesture that says "I sincerely want to please you and will put my own pleasure aside to do it." No one is going down there to judge how your vagina looks. They're going down there to make you come. So let them.
If you still feel weird about how your labia looks, think about the extraordinary variation in penis size and shape. Guys, as a species, have just as much to worry about as you to when it comes to other people's perceptions of their genital attractiveness. Maybe even more; given that our culture loves to ridicule penis that resemble anything less than a rolling pin. Even if you have somewhat of a lunch meat situation going on, at least there's no societal equation of labia size with sexual pleasure.
Everyone looks different down there, but the more attention you call to it, the more attention people will pay to it. The best way to deal with insecurity about how you look is to look up photos of vagina. There's entire sections of anatomy books dedicated to classifying them. Once you start to see the vast variety of vag, I promise you'll start to feel better about yours.
3. Position yourself correctly
The best part about getting head is how many different ways you can do it. Of course, there's the tried-and-true missionary positions of cunnilingus, which is when you're laying on your back with your legs spread apart. But, just like with sex, you can play getting eaten out to your own sexual preferences, which can make shit a lot hotter for you.
If you like being dominant, try riding face. Straddle (but don't sit on) their face, and let them eat you out from below. The power of the position can be intensely arousing, and, when you're in a straddling position, gravity brings more blood down to your pussy. That only makes everything feel better, but it also makes it easier to come as well. You can also stand up and put your foot on your partners shoulder while they kneel on their knees and lick you from below for an even more dominating effect. If you're into light, long strokes, have them stick their tongue out and keep it in place while you gently run your clit along the length of it to your desired pressure and speed.
Or, if you're more into being submissive or taken advantage of, get eaten out from behind. You can do this in a standing position with your butt stuck out and you hands against a wall, in doggy style, or laying on your stomach. The reverse angle feels insane, and if your partner is a badass, he or she can lick your butthole as well. Plus, when you get eaten out from behind, your partners tongue can reach the opening of your vagina better than it can your clit, which can be a crazy new sensation if you haven't tried it.
Also ... try laying on your side so your labia is kind of sandwiched on itself. Doing this squishes your clit inside your lips, and the pressure of that, plus the feeling of getting licked, can blow your face off. Thank me later.
4. Go under the hood
There's as much variation in clit sensitivity as their is in labia appearance or dick size. Sometimes, if your clit isn't ultra-sensitive, going under the hood can feel in sane. Most guys don't know to lift the hood of your clit up (most girls do), but you can do it for them. Just lightly stretch the top part of your clitoral hood up toward your belly button as you're getting eaten out to expose your clit. The stretch, coupled with the direct touch of your partner's lips or tongue on your clit, can be ridiculous.
Or, if your clit is really sensitive, sometimes it can feel really good to stretch your clit's hood laterally, so that it kind of flattens your clit a bit while keeping the skin in place. Instead of pulling up, place a finger on either side of your clit, and gently pull out towards your legs. This'll keep a cover over your clit, but you still get the pleasure from the added pressure and stretch.
5. Focus on Brad ...
Female pleasure is intensely mental. It's really easy to get bored or distracted while you're getting head, especially if it's not good. But instead of drifting off and thinking about all the cat litter you have to buy and how your boss sets unreal expectations for you at Chucky Cheese or wherever you work, create an erotic scenario in your head. Think about what turns you on; and focus on it. Put all your imaginative energy into turning yourself on mentally, and the physical part will follow. Getting head can feel really good if you're imagining shirtless Brad Pitt in his Fight Club years, or Natalie Portman, is doing it.
6. Boss them around
People love taking directions. If there's something they're not doing, or something that they're doing that sucks, say something. You don't have to get bad head. You can get the exact kind of head you want, it's just proportional to your desire to ask for what you need. If they're still not getting it, show them what you're talking about, either by using porn as an example, or do to their pussy or dick what you want done to yours.
8. Kegel yourself into another dimension
If you're getting eaten out, but you're not really into it, pulse your kegels. It'll act as a pump of sorts, pumping more blood to your pussy. And more blood means more horny.
8. Embellish the experience like a cell-phone case from the mall
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems; and getting eaten out is no different. For a lot of women, just getting their clit licked isn't enough; they need penetration, anal stimulation, vibration, and what have you to get there. Make sure you communicate to your partner what other kinds of props or appendages you need. Again, getting eaten out is all about you. Unless you're 69-ing, you sick freak.
So there you go, ladies. Let go of your insecurities, and relish in this one little part of your day where nothing matters except your pleasure. You can thank me by naming your first born after me.