Head Games: How to suck your own dick

Head Games: How to suck your own dick

SexNovember 18, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

Congratulations, head enthusiast; you're about to experience Head Games, a irregularly scheduled, yet pretty like ... titillating column where we discuss oral sex with people from all walks of life. Whether we're covering how to connect your mouth to someone's genitals in the most pleasing way possible, or how different cultures and species blow each other, it'll be covered here, in this fellatio-friendly corner of the internet. Welcome aboard.

Admit it: you've thought about it.

You've tried to do it.

And yet, you've failed.

Aw, cheer up, champ.

It's not easy to suck your own dick.

But by god, is it impressive. Ooh, and useful. Given the opportunity, who wouldn't want to dole out the world's greatest blow job to themselves, courtesy of themselves? If I had a dick, I know I would.

... Some day.

But thankfully for you, while sucking your own dick resides in the same difficulty category of climbing Everest blind, it's not a magic trick that's out of reach (I intended that pun so hard). In fact, with a little sorcery and training, anyone can do it.

And I'm here to tell you, humble man or transsexual, how.

1. Become Gumby

Ever seen Gumby? He was this animated green dude with no bones and the flexibility of chewing gum.

That needs to be you.

... Hope you like training montages set to "Eye of the Tiger" because that's exactly what needs to happen for your body to get to that place!

No matter who you are and what kind of shape you're in, you'll need to spend at least two weeks working on your  flexibility, especially in your neck — that's the body part that'll help you bridge the void between your dick and your watering lips. However, your entire torso really needs to get limber as well, so look into shoulder and back stretches too.

Yoga and pilates are obvious ways to go about Gumby-fying yourself, but other types of body work like rolfing or deep tissue massage also help loosen you up. However, if you'd rather make training for the best head of your life a private affair, you can always do your stretches in the comfort of your own home with YouTube's confusingly extensive selection of "back and neck flexibility" videos.

Oh, and speaking of your torso — let's talk about the front of it. Having strong abs will help you curl your body into the right shape practice self-love, so do yourself a favor before you really do yourself a favor by doing some planks and crunches in between your stretching routine.

Deviant Kade, a porn performer who's made himself famous with his auto-fellatio, even recommends loosening up with a warm bath ... as if putting a dick in your mouth wasn't extravagant enough already.

2. Be thin

I hate to say this, but if you have a gut, you'd better also have a mutant whale dong if you want to suck it. As I'm sure you'll already imagining while grimacing painfully, clearing a big belly on the way to your dick presents a unique challenge — one that's simplified by weight loss or already having the physique of blood-starved heroin vampire.

And now for the good news: while your body shape does seem to matter, dick size, doesn't.

Kade is about 130 pounds with a pretty average seven inch cock and look at him go. He told VICE body type is always more of an issue than endowment, so if that's not an excuse to swallow a tapeworm, I don't know what is.

3. Get as hard as humanly possible

The harder you are, the further your dick will stretch with outreached hands towards your mouth like a baby reaching for its mother, and the more it'll point upwards at an angle that's easy for your face to access.

For this reason, try to avoid boner-killing things like alcohol, certain strains of weed or some medications before you attempt the nearly-impossible.

On the other hand, if you're aware of anything that gets you extra hard, get your grubby little hand and dick on that ASAP. I've read about men popping a Viagra before the act because it makes their dick stay harder for longer, which ensures their erections will survive any sublimely unarousing bungled attempts to unite mouth and dick. However, if you're unable to access old-man drugs, a healthy combination of fantasizing, porn, and even stimulation by a partner should do.

Better yet, use a cock ring. Kade uses one to achieve maximum rigidity and to keep his cock harder than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson even if his neck hurts or he gets frustrated.

4. Pick your position

Assuming you're a typical person with a typical spine, you've really got two options here.

1.) Laying down.

Lay on your back, my sweet, and lift your heels in the air, bringing your legs over your head. This dangles the proverbial carrot towards your mouth, and if you're flexible and abdominally strong enough to meet it halfway with your face, then ... I really hope no one walks in on you.

It's like so:

If you're going to choose this position, Kade recommends you try it on the floor or another hard surface because a bed has too much give (ignore our beautiful artwork). "One way you can do it is on your back with your head against the wall, and then walk down the wall as close as you can get it," he says. "A pillow under the head helps not only for cushioning but a little extra lift."

Handy!

2.) The seated position

For this trick, you sit, bend at the waist, and bring your head down towards your waiting done.

That's it. Nothing fancy here.

You can sit wherever's easiest: on the floor, on the toilet, on a horse ... whatever.

5. Phone a friend

No man is an island.

And no one walked on the moon without the help of a dedicated team.

Likewise, you can ask for help with blowing yourself.

Kade told VICE the first time he was able to blow himself was due to the gracious help of a girlfriend who pushed down gently on his legs, bringing his penis closer to his mouth. In fact, he says he's had great success pleasing partners both male and female while blowing himself — not only are they amazed, but they're more than happy to help.

Of course, this begs the question: why would you want to blow yourself when there's someone there to blow it for you?

For science, my good man. For science.

For self-discovery.

For the furthering of the human race.

For all of us.

And by god, if you can't understand that, maybe you should go read an article about babies named after Instagram filters or something.

6. Know what's coming (you are)

Are you a spitter or a swallower?

These are the questions you must ask yourself when you embark upon the arduous, but rewarding odyssey of auto-fellatio. After all, cumming in your own mouth isn't something most (straight) men have experienced before, but, considering that you can probably blow yourself better than anyone on the planet can blow you, this is a reality you should give some thought to beforehand so you're good and prepared for the inevitable.

"It's a shock the first time you cum in your mouth. It's a surprise, because you can do it," Kade says. "You're more excited about doing it than caring about the cum. 'I just came in my mouth. That's amazing!'"

Alternatively, you could do what most guys do to their partners and accidentally cum straight into your own eyes. That's always fun, zero percent of the time!

And now, for your continued entertainment, real reviews from men on Reddit who've sucked their own dicks! Christmas just came early for you!

Eventually, the trick ended up being just sticking at it until it worked, but each time when I would end a session the downsides would hit. It makes your back hurt pretty bad when you stand up, and if you're at it for a while your mouth can be sore and your eyes can sting for the downward facing position. The absolute worst is when you finish. Believe me, the moments before are great, but then you have to uncurl from a painful position with a mouthful of cum, and spitting it into the sink for me meant looking myself straight in the eye in the mirror which was rough in that moment.

All in all, I did it twice to completion, but I spent a lot of time working at it. Typing this though, makes me want to try again. I'll have to push past the freshman 15 that I've put on though.

- IDidntLikeSpaceJam

 

 

Guess I'm the 1% it seems.

I used to do this regularly for over 20 years. It takes too much prep to do it as your go-to form of self-pleasure, but every couple of months I'd go through the trouble.

It seems a lot of those bitching about it not being worth it only tried it a couple of times, but once you know the tricks (if you search my comment history, about a year back I gave a step by step tutorial on how to do it) it's fairly simple and sooooo worth it. I'm grateful that I did it because it made me receptive to trying so much more sexually that the average guy is too chicken shit to get into.

For those curious, I'd usually get about half my 8" cock into my mouth before the sensation and kink factor would make me get off. But there were a couple of dozen times when I'd be able to get so far down that my balls would touch my own forehead.

Currently, I need to lose about 30 lbs and when I do, a victory self-hummer will surely follow.

-happyhedonist

 

My dad can.

-AuroraStorm12