Head Games: Testing out Auntie Angel's grapefruit blowjob technique
Congratulations, head enthusiast; you're about to experience Head Games, a weekly column where we discuss oral sex with people from all walks of life. Whether we're covering how to connect your mouth to someone's genitals in the most pleasing way possible, or how different cultures and species blow each other, it'll be covered here, in this fellatio-friendly corner of the internet. Welcome aboard.
Here in the virtual world that is Head Games, I'm expressly interested in people with unique views on oral sex. And perhaps no one on this planet has a more informed and original view on oral sex than Auntie Angel, pioneer of the infamous Grapefruit Blowjob Technique. Let me be more descriptive: grapefruit + dong = interplanetary orgasm.
Obviously, I had to try this out.
Why? Because for the last few weeks, we've had people in this column harping about how "your face isn't the only tool you have at your disposal" when it comes to giving head, and ... they're totally right. There's a literal handful of other tools you can use to augment your head-giving, like your hands, your chest, your southerly bits, and now, thanks to Angel, the produce aisle of the grocery store.
I wanted to see to what degree those extra tools make head better, and since I've already fucked around with everything but the grocery store option, I thought it was high time to max out my credit card with a casual grapefruit purchase.
But before I go there, let's all watch Angel's instructional Grapefruit Blowjob video together ... for context. And interpersonal bonding?
Um, well .... wow. Jesus, I just ... yeah.
Is that not the craziest dick-sucking-related thing you've ever seen? Don't lie to me, of course it is. And so inspirational, too.
So, after watching Angel's video, I went to Whole Foods in search of a lovely organic ruby red grapefruit (nothing but the best for my man) to stick on his peen. Upon my arrival, I squished and squeezed every grapefruit in the place until I found what Angel told me I was looking for: a juicy, moderately sized ruby red that looked like it wouldn't give my boyfriend a blistering staph infection.
I took the precious cargo back to my house, and sliced and diced it a la Angel's method, taking care to remove the rigid white connective tissue in the center so it wouldn't scratch anything that needed to be used to further the human race at some later juncture. It was a little difficult figuring out how large to make the circumference of the hole, because I'm not an architect; I don't go around measuring the diameter of cylindrical penises with measuring tape. But, I felt confident I could modulate the size of the hole as per Angel's instructions.
I set the refurbished fruit aside on the counter, and covered it with a bowl so it would stay at room temperature.
When the boyfriend got that home later that night, I followed Angel's instructions, and let him know that I was "Gonna give him some head."
"I'm gonna give you some head!" I yelled.
He was like, "K."
"I'm also going to blindfold you," I said, which, as Angel forecasted, he didn't object to. However, he didn't "blindfold himself," because he knew he was "gonna get some head" like Angel told me he would, so I had to take on that duty me-self.
My blindfold-of-choice was more of a "t-shirt that had been laying on the ground for some time," which I covered his face with in a style that not-so-vaguely recalled prisoners of war being lead to a water-boarding session. What? I don't just have a blindfold conveniently placed on my bedside table, do you? Things were getting steamy.
I told him I'd be right back, and quickly poured some warm faucet water over the grapefruit to bring it up to pseudo-body temp. I dabbed the excess water off it with a towel so it wouldn't super-soak his dick right off the bat, stuck that sucker on a plate, and went back into the room.
At this point, it was time to "get him erect" and "suck that dick" just like I "said I was going to do," so that's what was done. He responded spectacularly.
After a few minutes, the moment of truth arrived. I grabbed the grapefruit, and slowly, gently slid it down his shaft. There was a hanging moment of silence and breathlessness as I awaited his response, when suddenly, he shot up.
"What the fuck, is that a grapefruit?!" he said, and tore off his t-shirt blindfold.
I stared up at him and grinned, his dick partially obstructing the vision out of my left eye. Grapefruit juice dribbled down his balls, which looked really refreshing right about now.
"Holy fuck, what is happening?" he said, but not in an un-welcoming way.
Newsflash: not all men react to their dicks skewering warm fruit as calmly and enthusiastically as Angel's man does.
"Did you get this from that YouTube video?" he laughed.
" ... Yes?" said I, the grapefruit still juicing everywhere like some sort of X-rated Sunkist commercial. It was half-awkward, half-hot, and about two-thirds hilarious. Math is my specialty.
He looked at me, shook his head and smiled, then lay back down and put the t-shirt over his face. The universal sign for "fuck me with a grapefruit."
So, I got into it. I slid the grapefruit up and down his cock, keeping it right below my lips. At times, I would pulse or squeeze it with my hand, which made him moan.
And although I refrained from making the "orca-caught-in-a-jet-engine" sound that Angie did, it turned out pretty good. Once we both started to focus on the pleasure and eroticism of the act, the fact that I was fucking him with fruit because somewhat meaningless, he said it started to feel awesome.
The juice didn't burn him, but it did get sticky at times, so I'd definitely recommend putting a towel down somewhere if you don't want to decimate your IKEA bedding ensemble.
And although I'm pretty sure I didn't experience any weight-loss benefits like Angel said I would, it tasted amazing. Slightly bitter, but juicy and tangy, it took every ounce of self-restraint I had not to put vodka on it and make it into a penile Greyhound.
When he came, the taste was pretty interesting. The chalky, sour taste of semen mixed with the punch of the grapefruit juice wasn't bad, but it also wasn't something I wanted to bottle and patent. However, if you're adverse to semen taste, this'll definitely help you attain swallower/girlfriend status.
When all was said and done, he liked it. He didn't quite feel like he was "fucking a vagina and getting head at the same time" like Angel suggested, but he did feel like he was getting fucked with a warm grapefruit, and rightly so. The feeling wasn't half bad.
I wouldn't say that, after this experience, we'd start ordering grapefruit in bulk or experimenting with the melon family; but the Grapefruit Blowjob was one of those "once and and while" things that made oral sex more interesting. The novelty of something new, plus the slightly-fucked up concept of fruit fucking was pretty arousing for both of us. Thanks, Angel, guardian angel of fellatio.
There's one thing that Angel forgot to mention though: if the penis in this equation is uncircumcised, whoever is attached to that penis is going to want to make sure they clean under their foreskin really well afterwards. The sugar in the grapefruit juice can get caught under the foreskin and attract bacteria, and that sounds fucking awful. If he's cut, he should still wash up pretty good, too, but he doesn't have to have quite as big of a heart attack about it as his au-naturale colleagues. Also, this goes without saying, but if his dick is chapped, or has lesions or cuts or is inflamed or otherwise unhealthy, put the grapefruit down. That shit's gonna burn.
But wait! What if you've been reading this entire thing, thinking "Fuck, I fucking hate grapefruit?"
Well, you're in luck, because Angel has way (way) more up her sleeve than a little grapefruit coring. Check out some of her other, non-citrus techniques below, and prepare to be awarded a commemorative plaque for your talents.
You can check out more of Angel's advice and instructions at www.angelseroticsolutions.com. You can also book her to do your bachelorette party, but if you do, please invite me.