Head Games: The ultimate guide to not dying during road head
Congratulations, head enthusiast; you're about to experience Head Games, a weekly column where we discuss oral sex with people from all walks of life. Whether we're covering how to connect your mouth to someone's genitals in the most pleasing way possible, or how different cultures and species blow each other, it'll be covered here, in this fellatio-friendly corner of the internet. Welcome aboard.
It's summer, which means it's road trip season, which means you're about to spend 12 hours in a hot car encrusted with discarded beef jerky wrappers trying to figure out how to suck your partner's cock just to distract yourself from all the Creedence Clearwater they insist on playing ("it's good driving music!") while they drive you to a national monument with "many diverse species of bushes."
Easier said than done, my friend.
While road head is a conceptually simple concept, (just lean over and put it in your esophagus!), it's actually an art; a delicate and nuanced practice best executed with the help of a seasoned professional who's tried, and failed at enough road head attempts to know what works and what just ... makes you gag over a speed bump.
That's why I've decided to compile the best and brightest road head tips for your sucking pleasure. We'll start with sucking dick while hurtling through space and time at 78 m.p.h., then we'll move on to the more advanced technique: road cunnilingus.
Note: I'm writing this from the perspective of the driver getting head and the passenger giving it. I would never recommend the other way around, unless you're parked in a safe, private place. If you're in the backseat, none of this applies ... just go down on each other like you would anywhere else.
1. Before you even start, make sure the person whose cock you're about to suck can multitask. They've got both your lives in their hands when they're at the wheel and not getting head, but the moment your soft palate touches their tip, your safety is even more compromised than it was before because your oral prowess can be fatally distracting. For that reason, if they can't handle not killing you and getting their dick sucked at the same time, this is the wrong person to do this with.
To test whether they can take the pressure, practice while the car is parked. If they squirm all over the place, close their eyes, and put their hands all over you, they're probably going to drive you off the side of a mountain, which will totally make you late for brunch.
2. Have the right car. Some cars have large, beefy center consoles where you could store a fucking fridge if you felt like it. These are not ideal. Having to angle your body over that bulky of an object places your face more vertically on their dick, which a.) makes you more off balance and b.) makes it easier for you to choke or injure him if you hit a bump.
Other, superior cars have no center console, or have a more demure one — go for these if you can. You'll be more centered and balanced, and won't have to elongate your cervical vertebrae across an entire car. If you've only got a car with a big console though, you can pad it with a towel or jacket to make it more comfortable and less slippery.
Additionally, some cars have more tinted windows than others. If yours are tinted, you obviously have more privacy and have less to think about when it comes to other people seeing you. If your windows aren't tinted, know that while road head itself is not explicitly illegal in any state, being seen doing road head can lead to public indecency or distracted driving charges if the wrong person catches you in the act. For that reason, tall cars are always better than little ones — they're harder to see into.
If being seen doing this is part of the fantasy for you — which I totally get — try your hardest not to do it in a place where it could scar or trigger the people who see you doing it. Zooming by some people on a highway is a lot different than slowly driving around a Chuck E. Cheese's parking lot, if you catch my drift.
3. Pick the right road. A bumpy, windy road is awesome if you like choking on a semi-rigid object and abrading some poor person's dong with your razor sharp teeth.
But, if that's not your speed, pick a road that's straight and smooth, like a highway. That way, the driver/head receiver can multitask more easily can devote more attention to what's being done to their penis. Plus, going straight means the driver's elbows can stay in a stationary position above your head and that your head isn't blocking their arms as they try to turn, which could be potentially dangerous.
4. Maybe don't wear those tactical cargo pants today. Getting your pants off while you're driving isn't the easiest thing in the world, so simplify the process by having whoever's getting head wear easily removable lower-body clothing. I'm talking sweatpants, loose shorts, a man skirt; whatever you have that's easy to slip off or smoothly pull a penis out of. The less amount of belts, buttons and general doo-dads, the better. It's not about fashion, it's about risking your life for head.
5. Get him as close as you can before anything goes in your mouth. Saying this kills me mildly, but the shorter time road head takes, the better, only because it's safer to spend less time distracting the person whose holds your life in their steering wheel.
So, before you lean over to seal the deal, get them worked up with your hands, some dirty talk, or by masturbating next to them — whatever you're both into that teases them, but doesn't require them to be involved other than to sit there and drive.
6. Don't slow down. The more distracted they are, they more likely they are to slow down, which means its easier for people in other cars to see you as they pass you by. Try to keep pace with the other cars and go the speed limit.
7. Avoid pressing down on his legs. As your dangling over the side of the center console, it may be tempting to support your weight put pressing your hand or arm into his legs. Fatal error. Putting weight onto his legs could press down the gas or brake unexpectedly, and you don't have to be too smart or psychic to understand how that might not work out so hot. Instead, support yourself on the seat or the driver side door.
8. Envision the end. What's going to happen when he donates 5 billion sperm to your face fund? Swallowing makes the cleanest cleanup in the car, but if you're on a low-gamete diet, have wipes or an old t-shirt nearby to spit into already prepared, because finding a cum rag in a car that's speeding down America's highway system is a little harder than finding one at home.
Well, look at you, you little over-achiever. I see you want to do big and great things in your life, and I respect your ambition. You're the future of this nation.
That said, it's pretty easy to see why road cunnlingus may be a bit harder than road fellatio, but ... that doesn't mean you can't do it. Applying the same general rules of safety, privacy and comfort as above, you can make it work if you ...
1. Use your hands. It's hard to get an entire vulva in your mouth when half of it is being sat on in the car seat and the other half is a tiny, beautiful sliver that's nearly inaccessible by anyone with bones. But, you can improve that situation by using your hands to rub their clit and vaginal opening in between using your tongue.
2. Use toys. Same concept as hands here. Because it can be hard to bend your body to adequately pleasure a vulva (though it's not impossible), toys can be your best friend. A vibrator for their clit that you manipulate, a panty vibe with a remote, or something like the WeVibe Sync that's both insertable and app-controllable will make it easier for you to please her while she drives.
3. Focus on her clit. For the 75 percent of women who need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, clit-focused head will always be better. But for any female-with-a-vagina who's driving, the clit is the most easily accessible part of her anatomy, so it's a great place to zero in on. You'll only have side angle to get to it (it'll be the right side), so make sure you're not just licking or kissing that specific spot the entire time. Explore her whole clit with your tongue, and experiment with different ways of sucking, kissing and caressing it with your mouth ... which is hard to do when you're in the passenger seat, but again, hands and toys.
4. If you're reallllllly pro, you can pump her clit up. If you're into pumps, you can pump her clit (Google it) so it's enlarged and more easily suck-able (like a little penis), which will make it easier to stimulate from a road head posititon. If not, just forget you ever read this or knew me.
5. Lube. Lube makes everything better. You can't over-lube. A water-based, flavored lube like Sliquid will make getting off from an awkward angle a hundred times easier.
Above all, the number one tip for road head is safety, so no matter what genitalia you're putting in your mouth and where, just remember that not dying in a car accident is the absolute first priority here. No one is required to suck dick or clit to completion if it feels too dangerous — you can stop at any time (just like with non-driving head).
I'll look for you on the highway.