Here are a few unorthodox uses for children for your consideration

Here are a few unorthodox uses for children for your consideration

VicesMarch 31, 2014

Despite what your doctor tells you, you should totally have kids. Not because they'll bring warmth and joy to your otherwise dreary existence ... do you really think we'd write about that? Please. You should have kids because they're useful in a host of ways you never even thought about.

As your wingman

Unlike you, your baby doesn't need 15 shots of Jaeger and some Chinese breathing exercises to talk to that hot chick or handsome gent. All it takes is for them to adorably vomit in your ear in front of them and boom - they're fauning all over you. Also, look how fertile you are!

For airline upgrades

Little known fact: If you have a child and you're sitting in the economy section of an airplane, you can upgrade to first class for free once the doors have closes if you're, ahem, with child. We're sure the passengers in first class will enjoy your baby's bloodcurdling shrieks just as much as the ones in economy do.

Slip-and-slide test subjects

Is your slip-and-slide adequately covered in water or lube or whatever? You don't want to risk breaking your precious adult neck by finding out yourself; send in someone whose bones haven't fused yet.

To enhance your dance routine

Your dance instructor never took notice of your sweet moves ... until now. Now you've got the park of the tree in Swan Lake, and your mom couldn't be prouder.

 As "The Muscle"

Need to send a menacing message to someone, but don't want it traced back to you? Children make excellent crime minions, primarily because they'll do anything you say. They have no choice; you're the only one tall enough to reach the cookies.

Barometers of how much of an effect gravity is exerting at any given time

Science would like us to think that the force gravity exerts on us is the same everyday, but children's sensitive gravity sensors would tell a different story.

Ice testers

Is it safe to walk on? Is it too slippery? Can you do a little jig on top of it? The answer to these questions is children.

Condiment tray

Do you really want to put the ketchup on the bag like some sort of mall peasant? Or apply it directly to every sumptous bite of burger like some sort of machine? Please. Your ketchup belongs somewhere classier, somewhere that asserts your superiority and tells others you're the one calling the shots. Somewhere like someone else's face.


Nothing will get that cocaine you tried to flush down the toilet out of the pipes better than tiny baby toes.

To prove your 9-11 conspiracy theory

It's really hard to illustrate your theory about how aliens and Shakira caused 9-11 without a troupe of actors and mini-props to lay it all out.


No matter how much your life sucks, just remember that you will never be as bad at basic functioning as children are. That should tide you over while you wait for your Zoloft prescription.

And finally ... human shields

Can you imagine what would have happened to that bulletin board in the background if that kid wasn't there?