Here's an app that texts your girlfriend for you, you lazy bastard

Here's an app that texts your girlfriend for you, you lazy bastard

SexFebruary 28, 2014

Does sending a quick, 14 word text message to your girlfriend dramatically interfere with your busy, busy day? Do you secretly wish that someone could take care of the daunting task of sending something like "Hey, what are you doing tonight?" for you, so you didn't have to waste your valuable time on communicating with the woman who loves you? Well, buddy, do we have the app for you. Meet BroApp, the aptly-titled system that texts your girlfriend for you.

BroApp automatically sends your girlfriend sappy, pre-set text messages to keep her attention requirements satisfied, so you can get back to playing videogames with Brad and Chad or whatever, you lazy sack of shit.

Created to trick girlfriends into thinking they're not being neglected by their boyfriends, BroApp automatically sends pre-programmed texts to your sweet at the time of and location of your choice. Want to tell her "Hey, just thinking about you #FUPA" every day at 5 p.m., or every time you get home? Well, now you can. Asshole.

The app's inventors say that they didn't create the app out of laziness (wink), but rather to make sure that their girlfriends felt adequately adored throughout the day. In fact, they secretly tested the product out on their girlfriends for months before launching it, to see if they could tell that they were receiving soulless robot texts or not. Spoiler alert: they couldn't. Both the girlfriends thought that their boyfriends were just really sweet, nice guys. But in reality, they were slowly but surely setting the stage for a widespread takeover of human relationships by machines!

The ominous music! Cue it!

Making matters more maniacal, BroApp has several safety features that prevent your girlfriend from detecting it.

For example, the app will not send a preprogrammed text if it recognizes that a boyfriend is logged onto their girlfriends’ home WiFi network. That means it knows when you're with your girlfriend. It knows.  Also: it will also cancel a scheduled message if a boyfriend and girlfriend have recently called or texted each other in order to avoid any disastrous conversations like this:

Girl: Can't hang out tonight, slammed with work.

Boy: That's okay, baby call me tomorrow.

Girl: Sounds good.

Boy: Hey, you big sexy woman. What do you say we order a sausage pizza and fuck?

Girl: YOU'RE DEAD.

Anyway, here's a video that shows you exactly how the app that will eventually infiltrate your relationship, inching you out bit by bit until it gains complete control over your girlfriend's heart and body works.