Here's what your favorite sex position says about you

Here's what your favorite sex position says about you

SexJuly 21, 2014

Your preffered position du jour says a lot more about you than the obvious "This apple McCormick's has made me horny." So much, in fact, that we're going to psychoanalyze you based on positional preference so deeply that your therapist is going to want to rethink that Assistant Manager at Starbucks job offer ...

Missionary

People really hate on missionary for being boring and uninventive, but good sex doesn't always have to be about doing it doggy style on your conference room table in the middle of your progress report meeting. Yeah, it's the white bread of sex positions, but missionary can be hot as hell, especially when it's in slow motion while "Pony" by Ginuwine plays in the background.

But, the face-to-face aspect does imply an appreciation of intimacy, which says a lot about you as a person. You like to know what's going on. You're empathetic. It also implies that the person you're banging doesn't have a repulsive, rotating lizard head and that you can stand looking at it, which is a big win for their cosmetic team.

However, if you find yourself constantly going for missionary and not straying to something a little more challenging, ask yourself why you always need to be facing your partner. Sex therapist Ava Caldell says it might be because you need to see their facial responsiveness to be reassured you're doing a good job ... or that they didn't fall asleep again.

So, what you're saying is: "I need to see you be responsive. Oh, and also, tolerable face."

As a child, you probably:  Went to camp a lot.

If you were a dog, you'd be: A golden retriever, clearly.

Culinary equivalent: Meatloaf and mashed potatoes - it's the most basic American meal, and it's really good when it's not the only thing you eat.

Spice it up: Make missionary hotter by tying your partner's hands to the headboard, whispering dirty things into their ear, or moving the party from the bed to the floor.

Doggy Style

Anatomically speaking, doggy style is the best position to stimulate a lady's G-Spot, and lets the gents go as deep as they can, which is why it's the most commonly lauded position on the Google. However, for some people, the sheer animal nature of doggy can remove the intimacy, and people who constantly opt for it are often seen as unromantic (although that's not necessarily true). Because it's the position that most of the animal kingdom uses, it can be seen as uncivilized and lusty, like finding yourself in it somehow means you can't control your desire.

That being said, your preference for it can speak volumes about the amount of control you like to have, both inside the bedroom and out. It can also allude to other sex acts you might like. For example, if you love being dominant and giving it to your partner from behind, you might also like tying them up or telling them what to do.

So, what you're saying is: Either "I like being dominant or dominated," "Romance is overrated," or  "If I call you tomorrow, it's because I forgot to tell you I have herpes."

As a child, you probably: Discovered porn earlier than your friends. Thanks, internet!

If you were a dog, you'd be: A pre-domesticated wolf.

Culinary equivalent: Fiery-hot curry - you think you're craving it, but after it exacts its revenge on your colon, you wish you'd stuck with pizza bagels instead.

Spice it up: Try standing-up doggy in front of a mirror. That way, you can still get it from behind and hit those spots, but you'll both be able to see each other's faces and tits.

Cowgirl/ Reverse Cowgirl

Cowgirl is the tits for chicks who want to control the depth and speed of penetration, as well as for well-endowed guys who find their monster man meat hurts girls in other positions.

If you've got XY chromosomes and this is your favorite position, it shows you're willing to be submissive and vulnerable, but also that you think you can get away with not doing any work. You're a little bit of a slacker, but what you lack in motivation, you make up for by being really good at playing dead, something that no doubt comes in handy when you encounter bears. If you're a lady, your cowgirl fetish says you're confident about your body, motivated, not afraid to take control, and have a pretty good idea how to get yourself off.

So, what you're saying is: Guy: I'm allergic to physical labor, but not to bouncing boobs and butt, LOL." Girl: "I like being in control ... this is my cardio for the day so lie down."

As a child, you probably: Grew up on a ranch.

If you were a dog, you'd be a: Husky or malamute -- They like being put to work and performing when they need to, but are lazy fools when they don't.

Culinary equivalent: Tacos. You know exactly how to customize them to your liking, to the point where you don't even have to think about your order and neither does the guy at Del Taco.

Spice it up: If you're a girl and you like the being-in-control aspect, blindfold him so all his attention gets focused where you want it to. If you're a guy, put your appendages to use. Run your hands over her body, kiss her nipples, rub her clit, and kiss her. The more work you put in from the bottom, the more she'll want to get on top again later.

Side-to-Side

In a way, side-by-side is even more intimate than missionary because every part of your bodies are exposed and your hands are free to roam. And given that side-by-side is most often associated spooning and cuddling, it’s no surprise that the intimacy that comes with it appeals to people with a soft spot for romance and passion. On that note, people who love side-to-side sex are more likely to be in relationships that those who prefer doggy or standing-up. That's in part because it's intimate and not a position you usually try out on the last man standing at the bar, and also in part because it's easily accessed from cuddling, and people in relationships are more likely to be in that particular formation.

But, it's also one of the most widely used positions in porn (again, you can see everything), so just because you're into side-by-side doesn't mean you cry while you eat the Peeps your crush gave you on Valentine's Day. It's also the best position for morning sex, because you pretty much wake up in position and you don't have expose your hot-tar-garbage breath to each other.

So, what you're saying is: "I'm the king of mixing passion with porn! And I feel like doing next-to-zero work! And my breath is horrible!"

As a child, you probably: Had a teddy bear that you would snuggle relentlessly despite the accumulating fleas.

If you were a dog, you'd be a: Pug -- 99% of your day is spent sleeping or cuddling, but sometimes you take a break from the haze of sleep by humping something.

Culinary equivalent: Sushi -- it can be comforting or exotic depending on the menu and the moral fiber of your GI tract.

Spice it up: Do it in front of a window where people might see you, or videotape it; it's one of the best positions for making your bodies look good on camera.

Standing Up

You can have sex almost anywhere standing up, and if this is your favorite position, we'll bet you have. Pressed against the front door, hoisted onto the kitchen counter, doin' it in the shower; you're into getting laid anywhere but inside the bedroom. People who like to fuck standing up like the bipedal products of evolution that they are usually adventurous, performative, and often turned on by the possibility of getting caught. It says you pay little attention to how things are supposed to be done, and opt to blaze your own trail instead.

So, what you're saying is: "Look at me look at me look at me," and "I have a warrant for public indecency, but I'm only officially a registered sex offender in Kansas."

As a child, you probably: Had a momager or were in a Wheaties commerical.

If you were a dog, you'd be a: Award-winning poodle. You know how to behave a put on a show when you need to, but inside, you're just a dawgy dog.

Culinary equivalent: Anything you have to flambe -- Lighting the alcohol in a sauce on fire is as performative as it is functional.

Spice things up: Novelty is part of what keeps your sex life interesting, so don’t let yours fall into normalcy by going to the same standing position time after time. Vary up the locations you choose, or bend yourself or your partner over a table. Or, if you really want to blow your own mind, fuck in missionary just to say you did.