High-tech mattress snitches on you while you're cheating in real time
"If your partner isn't faithful, at least your mattress is ..."
Ho-lee-shit — this is a real punchline to a real product that's claiming it will revolutionize the way people fuck and cheat. Dubbed the "Smartress," the new smart mattress by Durmet synchs with someone's phone to tell them if there's suspicious activity happening in bed while they're not there. Everything from a speedometer (the fuck?), where pressure is being initiated and the longevity of whatever is going on in the bedroom without you is sent to an app in real time.
"The very first mattress that makes your body relax by night and your mind by day, when you're not at home," the site proudly proclaims.
But ... but ... would someone honestly be so stupid as to use the fucking bed when they just paid for an astronomically expensive computer mattress that is designed to catch cheaters? How in the hell does this even make sense? And if you're really that paranoid about a lover cheating on you that you're entrusting a mattress to snitch, there's a whole lot more wrong with the relationship than just the two of you sleeping with other people. This isn't a good idea. No, this is a terrible idea with many flaws and discrepancies.
At least they know how to cater to the general population — make a scary promo video that makes it seem like you absolutely have to have it.
Forget new tech though, we're still about trusting Maury with any of our problems in paradise ...