October horoscopes are here and on the 13th everyone be fuckin'
Oh Gemini you saucy little peach, you.
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Communicate with your partner whether they’re a one-nighter or a lifetime commitment. Intimacy is ultra-sexy for you this month — but communication is crucial if you don’t want to get ghosted. Spooky! On the 13th, you are the hottie everyone wants. Checking out that naughty vampire is not in your best interest unless single. Both of you.
Feb. 20-Mar. 20
Don’t let Halloween catch you alone and ready to hump a light socket, if only for the thrill. If someone makes your heart flutter like bats in the belfry, express how you feel to them before someone else on Instagram does. Slut! If nothing else, pleasure yourself.
MAR. 21-APR. 20
Nights are getting chilly … and so is your sex life. It’s a good period to focus on yourself. Splurge on a few embarrassing toys to employ after a candlelit dinner for one. By mid-month, you’re back on top holding a fistful of confidence — but only if you like it that way.
APR. 21-MAY 21
You’re all about romance, but even that can have its pitfalls. You’re wise to do an emotional checkup with the person whom you want to fuck. Later this month, you and your partner get mighty cozy. Unless you’re single, then it’s with the neighbor. Convenience over struggle.
May 22-June 21
You’re such a beautiful freak, you don’t need Halloween to interact with supernatural beings. Just try not to get ghosted. The best day for you to do the humpty dance? Sunday the 13th, is your chance, to do the hump. It’s a full moon. You won’t be the only werewolf howling.
June 22-July 22
This is the perfect month for sexual role-play, especially if you make believe you’re in a horror film. Go all out and do it bloody well right. Ghosts won’t be the only thing moaning. The Full Harvest Moon on the 13th is key for your sex life, too. Indulge. You won’t regret it.
July 23-Aug. 21
Unlike Jagger, you can get some satisfaction, especially when you satisfy your partner first. If you don’t, prepare to finish the job by your lonesome. At month’s end, everyone gets to climax. Don’t go too buck wild, though, as you may want to do those moves like him more than once.
Aug. 22-Sept. 23
What ghost through yonder window appears? Could it be your sex life coming back from the dead? It is! You’re due for an affair this month and will meet someone in an unexpected place who wets your whistle. Decide what you want: love or sex. One lasts, one doesn’t.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
You haven’t been much “in the mood” lately, which is your prerogative. That doesn’t mean you can’t have nice romantic date nights or engage in sexual self-care. Passion flares up around the Full Moon on the 13th; make sexy preparations if you’re up to it.
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
As the month opens, you have a lot more than love in mind. As the sexiest sign in the zodiac, you freely admit that you turn yourself on. You blissful scoundrel! Satisfying yourself is how you get exactly what you want, exactly how you want it. No shame in that ass game.
Nov. 23-Dec. 22
Your mojo is turned all the way up to 11 as the month begins, though you may be growing tired. Take a break from all that boot-knockin’ and get some actual sleep. You want to be ready for the rest of the month. Work shit calls. However, the 27th finds you with mojo to spare.
Dec. 23-Jan. 20
Your sex life is like the spice rack with flavors for everyone! Things really heat up as the month progresses, which means by Halloween you’ll be christening every corn maze and haunted house with your delicious pumpkin spice. Mercury goes retrograde soon and all bets are off.