How to drink without drinking: 7 ways to one-up your gag reflex
Your body is like an alcohol absorption playground. Basically any mucous membrane in your body is capable of absorbing alcohol right into your bloodstream, and you know what that means? Never again must you taste the life-shattering, blood-curdling flavor of Apple McCormick's on your tongue, sending you into a swirling vortex of vomit and shitty breath. Here's 7 kind of crazy ways to bypass that gag reflex of yours so you can do away with the fuckery of drinking of booze all together.
(Mom note: Be really careful; bypassing your digestive system, you eliminate the possibility of puking out alcohol. And you puke for a reason; alcohol is poison. So if you eliminate that step, you're pretty much committing yourself to the drunkest night of your life, which may or may not also be the most fun, if your definition of fun includes blacking out and waking up with Sharpie dicks on you).
1. Snort it like Prince Harry
It's blurry because that's what the world looks like after you snort vodka.
Snorting things may make you feel like Tony Montana in Scarface, but snorting alcohol will make you feel like shit. Ever gotten water up your nose at the pool? Picture that, but agonizing. And some of it will drip down your pharynx into your throat anyway, making it both painful and inefficient. Can you tell we think this is a bad idea? And shit, if we think it's a bad idea...ah, whatever, try it and let us know how it goes.
2. Inhale it as vapor like the new age, lung loving person you are
Once upon a time, there was this thing called an AWOL (Alcohol Without Liquid) Machine that vaporized your favorite booze so you could inhale it. The AWOL was banned from the US because since the alcohol bypasses your digestive system when you inhale it, it doesn't get broken down into it's non-intoxicating byproducts as fast, leading to a massive build-up of margarita in your bloodstream. That equals disaster, because you don't really know how much you've consumed. How much vapor= 1 shot? Ain't nobody got time to figure that out. You can also vaporize alcohol with all the dry ice you have sitting around, and inhale vapor.
3. Let it sit under your tongue, and don't open your mouth to talk to anyone for twenty minutes
The membranes under your tongue just loOoOve to absorb stuff. So if you're more of a spitter than a swallow-er, let the booze sit under your tongue for a while. As in at least 20 minutes. Don't say anything to anyone. Your friends will enjoy the silence. And it'll taste horrible. But it beats getting your stomach pumped, that's for goddamn sure.
4. Shoot it up your bum/ butt-chug
This is a great option if you want to show your friends just how cool and not at all subject to peer pressure you are. Your large intestine is particularly absorbent; it's whole purpose is to reabsorb fluid from feces so your body stays hydrated. So if for some fucked up reason you manage to chug some booze all the way past your rectum, through a few sphincters to your large intestine, then you're golden. Golden, as in a dumbass.
Why is this a thing? Apparently this is a thing. You soak a tampon in alcohol then insert it in your bum or vaginaAAAAAAAHHHH GOD NO WE CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. There's no consensus about how well it works, but one pioneering Huffington Post blogger tried it and said she didn't get that drunk (logistical problems with tampon insertion and making it absorb alcohol right) but she did say that it "burned like the realization that Google is forever."
6. Mainline it like a psycho
Steve-O, what are you doing in here again? Anything that Steve-O does can't be good. And the not-good thing Steve-O is doing here is taking five shots of booze directly into his bloodstream via an IV drip. The down side of doing this is the downiest down side there is, called you die. Alcohol can permanently damage your veins and cause infection and internal bleeding. But your breath will smell great!
7. Right in the eye
Eyes! Ha! Who needs them? Definitely go this route if you like a side of screaming, searing pain with your already nauseating alcohol. A great method if you already have astigmatism and you don't have a lot to lose when it comes to the whole seeing thing.