How to find a unicorn for your threesome and not ruin everything

How to find a unicorn for your threesome and not ruin everything

SexMarch 18, 2014

What's a unicorn, you ask? Well, a unicorn is the third wheel in your genital orgy. They're the person that's going to make your threesome fantasy a sweaty reality. But as lovely as they are, just like actual unicorns they're hard to find outside of German BDSM clubs, and they're hard to figure out. That's why we've compiled this guide to dealing with the elusive creatures.

Figure out what you want from said unicorn

Before you even start trying to figure out whose genitalia will face off, figure out why you want to have a threesome in the first place. The more you communicate with your partner about the reasoning behind it, and the things that make you comfortable or uncomfortable, the less naked crying there will be. 

Does one person in your relationship want to experiment with the same gender? Do you need to sleep with someone else than each other in order to stay sane? Are you both just kinky as shit? These are all great reasons to throw an extra person in the mix. Getting in touch with the real reason you want to this will not only help you figure out where to look for a unicorn, but it'll open up the communication that needs to exist between you and your partner before anything happens. Threesomes only work if you're in a good place in your relationship and you trust each other.

If you're suspicious and jealous of each other, or just agreeing to a threesome to placate your partner, it's going to be a disaster. Like, the Chernobyl of banging. Threesomes won't fix problems in your relationships. If there's an issue between you and your partner, banging someone else in front of them isn't going to make the issue go away, and if you think it will, you're out of your goddamn mind.

Boundaries, dude, boundaries

Once you've psychoanalyzed your desire for group sex, you need to have a really honest talk about what logistical things you feel comfortable doing in the threesome.

Are you okay with fucking someone else? Are you okay with your partner fucking someone else? Figure out which appendages will be inserted into which holes. Remember that whatever happens should happen within the realm of your comfort. No fucking even has to occur. You can all just make out in a pile like some sort of snake mating ball if you want to. You can even have your unicorn watch you and your partner, without touching anyone.

Figuring out your boundaries will help you make the best use of your unicorn. You don't want them coming over and trying to eat peanut butter out of your butt you just wanted a good old fashioned hand job with blueberry lube from them. Whatever it is you want the unicorn to do, make sure it's communicated clearly to both your partner and them. Like we said, less naked crying means more naked not-crying.

Decide whether you want to ever see them again

This'll help you narrow down where to find your unicorn. If you want to hook up with a third person, then forget about it in the morning once the hangover sets in, don't prey on one of your friends. You don't want to have to hang out with them later and not be able to look them in the eye because they rode you like a pony last weekend. Strangers or acquaintances are your best bet for unicorn-ing.

However, you might feel more comfortable having sex with people you already know and trust. This can be especially true for girls; studies show girls are much more likely to both feel comfortable, and reach orgasm, if they're having sex with a non-stranger. In this case, zero in on a friend who you know is into the idea of threesomes, or has had one before. Friends can be unicorns, but not all unicorns have to be friends.

Know where to look

If you've got a friend in mind, find out how they feel about threesomes and under what circumstances they'd have one before you talk to them about you know, casually fucking your partner of three years while you watch. They're your friend, so you've got something to lose if you freak them out by being too forward. So, feel out the situation, take things really slowly, and if they seem really open to the idea in general, talk to them about it having one with you. If they're more ambivalent, you might just have to wait and see if things fall into place naturally, or look somewhere else. God damn, they're elusive.

If you're looking for a stranger, you can pick up a unicorn as you would any random if you were single. Go to a bar, party, pizza convention, church choir meeting or wherever it is you go, with your partner, and see who you can seduce. Present yourselves as the happy couple you are, and chat up the object of your desire together. Ask a lot of questions about them, laugh a bunch, flirt, touch them when you talk, blah blah blah. You know the drill. When the time comes to go, see if they want a ride home or need a place to stay. Or, just straight up ask if they want to come home with you; you don't know them so if that freaks them out, fuck them. You've got nothing to lose.

You can plan, or you can let it happen naturally. Whatever soothes your OCD more.

Some people are planners. They're the people that get to the airport early and ask you to hang out three months from now. People like that like to be in control of their reality. People like that should plan their threesomes. That means that once they've found a unicorn, they should talk about boundaries and expectations before it happens, then set a time and place. For example, "We're all going to fist each other at high noon on the 15th of April, this year of 2014" (now you know what's in our planners). Planning it out gives you control over the situation, and although sufficiently more awkward than the following option, manages expectations in a way that can shield people from getting hurt or jealous. You'll most likely know exactly who your unicorn is and what they want, and if you can navigate that without the awkwardness overwhelming your person, then high-five!

Alternatively, you can let it happen naturally. Some things are better when you least expect them. When it happens organically, there's a lot more arousing mystique and intrigue, because it's so new to you and you don't know what's going to happen. When you do this, it's harder to manage expectations and set boundaries, but what you give up in that, you gain in hotness. Your unicorn is more likely to be a pansexual nymph you just met, but if that's what you were looking for in the first place, then you get an A for effort.  And it's less awkward ... until you wake up.

Once you've snared one, treat 'em right

In any threesome, everyone should ideally get an equal amount of attention, but we both know that's probably not going to happen. Usually, the unicorn gets the most attention, because after all, they are the person who made the threesome possible. So, make sure you're paying as much attention to them as you are to your partner.  But here's the tricky-dick part: be careful not to shower them in in sex. No unicorn wants to feel like they're being disproportionately paid attention to, because they don't want to be the source of any contention between you and your partner. Your unicorn is mainly there for NSA sex (or making out playing Magic: The Gathering or whatever) so make sure it's as NSA as it can get.

And if all else fails with your unicorn quest, remember: unicorns are mythical creatures so what the fuck do they know anyway?