How horny nerds made SF's prostitution industry explode

How horny nerds made SF's prostitution industry explode

CultureJuly 15, 2014

Thanks to the recent tech-sector explosion in San Francisco, it's now home to the nation's largest-and-in-chargest prostitution industry. That's right, nerds are finally getting laid more than you. How the tables have turned!

Here's how it works:

1. Thousands of nerd-tech dudes get really lonely, because 99.99% of their day consists of other nerd-tech dudes sweating about how the stocks will go down if the aerial robots task force doesn't figure out an app that can make bird drones deliver memory cards to up-and-coming Instagrammers stat.

2. These nerd-tech dudes have tons of disposable income because they just invented another internet or something.

3. There are like 3.5 nerd chicks there, making the competition for free sex higher than IBM's new Pentium processor RAM speed.

Plug that info into an equation and here's what you get: sexually-starved rich geniuses turning to prostitution to satiate their appetite for human interaction. They're all looking for the same thing: a break from their demanding jobs, long hours, and 404 Error codes.

The sex industry boom has been closely linked to boom times in the Bay Area going back to the Gold Rush, when men with pickaxes and dysentery ventured there hoping to find fortune.

"Anytime you have a lot of young men coming West to seek their fortunes, the sex worker industry responds," said Siouxsie Q, who writes a column for SF Weekly and has a podcast cleverly called The Whorecast.  "So much of what my clients pay me for is that both of us turn off our cellphones and we have two to three hours of connecting with another human being that is not through the interface of a screen or phone and has nothing to do with whether someone's stock is going to drop or not."

Last year, a sex worker told CNN she had made "close to $1 million" servicing rich young men. That's more than most tech geeks out there earn. She wore T-shirts such as "Winter is coming" and "Geeks make better lovers" to attract them, but we think she could have doubled her income if she made this one with this graphic:

But prostitution can't be the only nerd-mediated industry booming in San Francisco. Here's a few things blowing up in SF that we'd buy stock in if we knew how to convert our Titcoins back to cash.

1. SPF 80 sunscreen

When you spend 103% of your day indoors programming an app that lets you add disembodied penises to your Instagram photos, your skin becomes whiter than the target market for Google Glass. So when you do manage to emerge from your tech lair, you're gonna need some good sunscreen; if you burn or tan, your boss will know you weren't working, and we all know you're replaceable.

2. Soylent

Food is inefficient and base. And so lasts four million years. Soylent? It's the nutritional sludge of the future. If you're still eating "yummy salads" and "fancy Whole Foods olives," you're just broadcasting the message that you're neither forward thinking nor enthralled by today's innovative technologies. Again, replaceable.

3. Khakis

In the San Francisco tech world, business casual is more of a god than Bill Gates. It's the perfect fashion choice for you to say "I don't know how to dress myself but then again I don't have time, oh god, please help me I just want to open up my own coffee shop and sell boutique espresso at an affordable price please don't hurt me."

4. Mark Zuckerberg hoodies

Mark Zuckerberg wears hoodies. Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook. Mark Zuckerburg is very wealthy and has a tolerably attractive wife. Mark Zuckerburg still wears hoodies. Therefore I will wear hoodies as well. Hoodies that have little graphics of Pac-Man. Yeah, that's the sweet spot.

5. Segways

Nothing gets you from the Engineering Pavillion to the Soylent Cafeteria faster than a segway. And nothing makes ovaries dry up like you rushing from the Engineering Pavillion to the Soylent Cafeteria as you mouth-breath your way by riding an insult to human legs. We'll take 10.