How masturbation allows you to fall in love, get a job, and be all you can be
Ask any couple how they met, and I guarantee you no one is going to bring up masturbation. No one is going to tell you how their furious, pre-date genital throw-down lead to them finding lasting love with their beautiful partner of six years. No one's going to credit it as the reason they're standing together in this vine-covered gazebo on a Hawaiian golf course, eskimo kissing while the sun sets and people shout at them to get a room.
Well, maybe they should, because new research has made the questionable discovery that masturbating before a date might be best thing that ever happened to your love life. That's the gist of a charmingly titled, totally legitimate study called "Sex Unleashes Your Tongue," which found that self-pleasuring before a date can make you more charming, witty, calm and interesting.
Specifically, the study found that pre-date masturbation — also known as "sexual priming" — makes you more sociable and likely to disclose personal information. In doing this, you create an intimate conversation which lends itself better to interpersonal bonding, something that shows your date you're both interested in them and emotionally intelligent. After all, sharing thing about yourself demonstrates an ability to connect. That's pretty hot, don't you think? I do. I want to date you so bad right now now because you just told me you have three brothers but you're really only close to one.
Anyway, this open behavior is more likely to be mutually reflected by your date, who will see your readiness to open up as a permission slip to open up themselves. When the date's over, you'll both leave with more knowledge than you might have otherwise had each of you not lubed up your junk and beat it senseless while imagining a hot half-human half-centaur showing you the ways of love prior to meeting at TGI Friday's for a romantic plate of loaded cheesy potato skins.
Wow, thanks masturbation!
Equipped with the newfound knowledge that masturbation could be so sedating that it turns you into a smooth-like-Santa love-master, I wondered what else men masturbate for, or ... around. If it improves your personality so much that it actually increases your chances of finding love, or at least sex, what other superpowers does it have?
I asked some of my penis-bearing friends to find out.
"I've never actually jacked off before a date, but I actually do when I'm angry about something. I always have. I guess it calms me down ... ironically I do it really slowly when I'm pissed, though. TMI?" - Nathan, 29, chef
"I hate flying, like truly hate it, so sometimes I masturbate in the airplane lavatory to calm myself down ... which is a feat because have you ever been in one of those things? Generally I'm so impressed with myself that I can actually come in a shit-encrusted closet that I finish up, go back to my seat, buy myself a god damn drink and fall asleep. Yeah. I'm that guy that makes you hold your pee." - Bobby, 33, graphic designer
"Whenever I can't focus on something at work and am getting nothing done, it's usually because I'm horny. Jack-off time. Usually, when I masturbate, I feel renewed and focused and energized afterward, and I get a lot more work done. It puts some pep in my step." - Bryan, 25, copywriter
"Ha! I have given myself some self-love before dates before. I don't know that it make me any less awkward, but in the event things escalate and we go back to my place, it's always nice to have a little stamina. I think I use it more for the physical effects than the mental ones." - Seth, 28, TV producer
"I have such a good story about this. One time, I was out with this guy I really liked. He was insanely hot and funny, and every time he'd open his mouth to talk, his voice would literally fade out and was replaced by just the most graphic image of my penis going into his mouth. I heard nothing that he said for the first half of the date because I was just imagining him sucking me off, nodding like I was listening. Eventually, duty called and I excused myself to the little boys room where I furiously jacked off to him. After I came, sobering reality hit me like a semi truck and I was suddenly back in the moment. When I sat back down, I found myself genuinely listening to him, and instead of getting caught up in what I wanted to do to him, getting caught up in his intelligence. I was such a good listener that afterwards he told me he felt like he'd known me for years. We fucked for three weeks then he moved to New York. Thanks, masturbation!" - Sam, 27, artist
"Okay when you texted this to me, I was walking into a test [law school], and I didn't respond because I was busy, but it really interested me. I decided to take the first half of the test before I jacked off, excuse myself to the bathroom halfway through, then take the rest of it after I'd, ahem, satisfied myself. I swear to god I was smarter the second half." - Ian, 27, law student
"I masturbated before a job interview one time, and what do you know? I got the job. Case closed." - Caleb, 30, Lyft driver
Well, those were all super moving stories, but ... what about women? Do they also use masturbation as a way to calm and center themselves?
Interestingly, I found that most women's masturbation habits are less prescriptive, meaning that they were less likely to think "I have a date, I'm going to masturbate beforehand for so-and-so effect." Rather, women seemed to experience the same centering, mood-boosting and sedative effects men did, but more so after the fact.
"I love touching myself because the effect can be whatever I need it to be at the time. If I'm tired, masturbating will put me to sleep. If I need to wake up and get the hell out of bed in the morning, it'll jive my ass up. If I'm feeling down or cloudy, it'll pick me up. I have masturbated before dates, but not because I thought it would make me smoother, or anything. More so just because I was horny." - Malia, 25, barista
"When I come, I am definitely more relaxed and present afterwards ... it never occurred to me that I could harness that power for dating or personal success or whatever, though. I think it's a bit different because even if getting off does give you those benefits, you can't get off if you're not already horny. Or, at least you have to try harder." - Natalie, 26, non-profit organizer
"I have this vibrator that seriously puts me into a trance when I'm done using it. Sometimes, I use that elevated state for creative projects. One time, right after I came really hard, I saw all these beautiful, pulsating lights and it gave me inspiration for a song I've been working on." - Laina, 29, professor
"Ooh, masturbating before a date is such a good idea! I'm sure I've done it before, but incidentally, not conciously like 'I'm going to masturbate before this date blah blah blah.' But I'm super interested now. I always feel really confident and in-touch with my body after I orgasm, so it would be interesting to utilize those feelings in a dating setting and test out whether my increased confidence makes a difference. Doing this tonight." - Heather, 27, architect
"Fuck yeah I've touched myself before dates. I don't think it has any effect on the date, but if it goes horribly, at least someone came that night (me)." - Dani, 28, drummer
Wow. Masturbation seems to be the very moist solution to so many problems. Maybe Kendall Jenner should have just masturbated instead of handing that riot cop a Pepsi. Maybe if everyone in America masturbated at the same time, we'd solve institutionalized racism and sexism. Maybe Assad just needs to jack off. Or Trump does. Or maybe they do together. I don't know, you got a better idea?
I, for one, am going to draft up a proposal for these things, but, in the meantime ... just know that masturbation is your personal superpower and will make you into an eight-armed sex deity with a job and a reduced fear of flying. Cool!