Working out during sex is the new CrossFit
Most of us know there is an ultra-buff beauty hidden beneath all our fat rolls. To unveil that hottie, we just need to find the form of exercise we love. For some, it’s ultimate frisbee. For others, it’s pole dancing. My ideal gym, I always knew, would be between the sheets.
Sexercise. Lovemaking to make my lovehandles go away. Hiit (High Intensity Intercourse Training). CrossFucking. Barre-Ass.
The concept of sexercise doesn’t appeal to everyone. Some people prefer more leisurely time in the bone zone, passively laying back like a dead fish. Turning sex into a fitness routine requires expending maximum energy, which is generally never preferable to receiving sexual pleasure while relaxing like a vegetable on Xanax.
However, I felt that for years, men had been main beneficiaries of sexual workouts, because dudes often end up on top, doing the heavy lifting. I feared they pulled a fast one on me, burning all the calories, toning all the muscles, and getting the grade-A cardio that sexercise has to offer. After all, the biggest winner in sex fitness is the one on top. So, in the pursuit of equality, I determined which positions would optimize calorie-burning* sexercise for both partners.
Warning: fitness routine may require rough sex or gymnastic-like positions, along with extended-length sex sessions that may rub your genitals raw. Proceed with caution.
Interval training is a technique beloved by runners. It requires intense periods of work interspersed with short rest or relief periods. This essentially confuses the shit out of your body so it continues burning fat well after you’ve finished exercising.
A woman can maximize her interval sexercise in the cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions. Alternate one minute of riding the dick like a bucking rodeo bull, with 30 seconds of slow, sensual thrusting, then return to jackhammering away.
There's actually a way to know how well all of this is working. Some interweb geniuses — probably NASA scientists dry humping AI robots — created a sexercise calculator. Plug in your gender and weight, and the calculator accurately tells you which sex positions will slim your ass while it's also getting rammed.
For example, ladies can burn 129 calories during 30 minutes of the interval cowgirl hump routine. While they’re chillin’ on the bottom, men can shed 49 calories.
HOLD-UP SEX SPRINT
Not all of us have what it takes to complete the marathon. Sometimes, we just want to power through and get it over with. The sex sprint allows us the opportunity to become bedroom Kenyans, bolting to the finish line for Olympic gold.
To maximize exertion, during this entire routine, one partner is standing and supporting the other. Assuming the woman is tired from the previous day’s aerobic boning, this regimen allows the man to catch up.
After 5 short minutes of 3 backbreaking positions, the man will feel the burn all over. Combining “holding partner up,” “69 standing up,” and the “wheelbarrow,” the man will burn 90 calories over a 15 minute sex session. Cool down with some kissing, capable of shaving off an additional 68 calories every hour, if you truly never tire of swallowing each other’s saliva.
HOT SEX SQUATS
If hot yoga gets you pouring perspiration and releasing toxins, hot sex must be the ultimate ticket to sweaty slenderizing. Using a space heater and a humidifier, you can turn any room into a sex sauna, and then proceed with the one position best suited for fun and fitness: squats.
Squats are about the closest intersection of sex and exercise humanly possible. With the lady on top, she’ll burn about 174 calories in 30 minutes, while the man will work off about 48 calories.
The biggest fundamental challenge of sexercise is that sex generally doesn’t last that long. Research indicates straight couples’ foreplay only lasts about 11 to 13 minutes, on average — before they tired of beating around the bush — and get down to penetration. Then, they’ll have 7 to 8 minutes of vigorous humping, on average. That’s 20 minutes total that you’ll need to squeeze in all the benefits of crossfit.
To make sexercise a worthwhile endeavor, that measly sucky fucky won’t do. Plow with purpose, hump until it hurts, and cum with conviction. You'll have sex pack abs in no time.
*Calculations of exact calories burned are based on the average weight of American men (191 pounds) and American women (159 pounds).