How to turn your private sexual fantasies into actual realities
For years, you've been soaking yourself to the idea of having an orgy with every U.S. president whose first name starts with a vowel (cough, Andrew Jackson, you rowdy dog).
And, after some careful consideration, you've decided this is one of those fantasies you want to make into a reality.
No — scratch that. Have to. You literally have to have this boiling hot sexual fetish play out in real life ... all you need is a consenting partner or 12.
So, how do you go about it? What's the right process for translating your fantasies from steamy, seamless mental scenarios to live encounters?
As it turns out, the process is the same for all fantasies, no matter now simple and light, or complicated and intense they are. With consent, proper communication, and generous reciprocation, making your inner desires actual, real things is both healthy and simple.
Our resident sex advisor Dear Ibby offers her method:
1. Get enthusiastic consent before you even think about actualizing a fantasy
If you're reading this and you don't have enthusiastic consent from your partner to act out your fantasy, stop reading this and make that an absolute priority. Why? Because you can't plan and execute a real-life fantasy without it.
Enthusiastic consent means more than a simple "yes." It means your partner has a real interest in actualizing your fantasy with you, not just that they'll do it because it's hard to say no.
This doesn't mean that they have to share your fantasy per se. Rather, it just means they understand what your fantasy is, what turns you on about it, and are willing to explore it with you.
Enthusiastic consent is particularly essential when it comes to fantasies that could potentially lead to physical or emotional distress, such as more advanced bondage, humiliation, any sort of rape fantasy, or any fantasy that involves a bodily fluid other than semen (like blood, piss or poop). However, it's equally as important that your partner is entirely consensual even when the fantasy is lighter or less invasive. Even if you've been fantasizing about something that won't mangle someone physically or emotionally, like anal or role play, it's still important that everyone involved is down for it. Even if it's not their fantasy.
Also, there’s a big, gaping difference between agreeing in a general sense to act out someone’s fantasy, and consenting to a specific act in the moment. For example: just because you and your partner have talked about how hot having a threesome would be, different emotions might surface in the moment. Make sure to ask your partner if they're good with trying out your fantasy both before it happens, right before, and even during it if they seem weird or uncomfortable.
2. Make sure you partner knows exactly what you're looking for, but with one important caveat ...
Some fantasies are simple, straight-forward and easy to discuss. You know, like video-taping. Or, tying each other to the bedposts.
Others are more complicated, theatrical and necessitate some logistics and tactical planning: "I want a people to wait in line to fuck me in a suburban strip mall Chipotle franchise."
Either way, if you want to move your fantasy from inside your goo-covered cranial walls to a real life scenario, you'll have to talk to your partner about what you want using your face-hole and your words. Easier said than done, but it's the only way to get the enthusiastic consent I word-vomited about before, and to ensure that they're given all the necessary equipment to carry out your fantasy the way you want it done.
Once you've established they're down for the Chipotle fuck-line or whatnot, go to them with this: “You know how we were talking about that fantasy of mine? Here’s what I was thinking we could do." Then, fill them in with any information that’s important for them to know. If necessary, and if you're a planner-type, you can even send them articles or books to help them prepare.
I, for one, would be very happy to receive a fuck-line instructional if my boyfriend wanted one. It's like Christmas, in your pants!
Some people worry that talking about the specific details of their fantasies will kill the vibe; like it'll strangle any sense of spontaneity that would make it exciting. Not so, boys and girls. Talking things over can actually have the opposite effect — it can wind up being extremely erotic. Any planning that you need to prior to the eent (gathering materials, scoping out locations, etc.) builds anticipation, and shit — you may even find this part of the process to be more pleasurable than the actual event itself.
Okay, now for the caveat: be precise, but not too precise about what you want.
If you want your partner to tie you to the bed, electrocute you with a cattle prod and suck your toes in a "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" costume, by all means, take it slow and make sure your partner knows what’s in it for you (and them). Specify your tolerances for pain (hit here, not here) and your safe word. But ... here's the thing: if you try for something too scripted and too much like the porn clip or erotic story your fantasy is based on, you may be setting yourself up for failure. It’s one thing to ask your partner to engage in a bit of non-consent play, and quite another to ask them to ravage you in the style of a 17th century courtesan of the French King who comes from a small town south of Versailles where ... blah blah blah.
... Yeah. Keep things attainable for the sake of your partner.
3. Take responsibility for your own randy desires
There’s something to be said about taking ownership of your desires. If it’s your fantasy, it’s your responsibility to take charge of the legwork behind it after all.
You can't just tell someone "I want you to dominate me" and then not give them any further directions and expect them to fulfill your sex dreams.
Nope — you have to tell them exactly what you're looking for, and you'll probably have to might have to initiate the scenario, even if it involves you being submissive.
People aren't psychic. You can tell your partner you're massively into mermaids and you want to fuck one, and they can consent to working that out with you, but until you build your mermaid costume and set the scene the way you want it, it's not going to happen like you're craving it to.
If you're lost as to how to pull your fantasy off, it's totally legit to ask your partner if they have any ideas of their own to throw in to the scene. If they don't, ask them if they'd rather you just tell them exactly what to do. Some partners will want to participate more than others, but make it clear that you're still taking the lead. That's the only way it'll happen like you want it to.
4. If you need to, take baby steps up to the real thing
If your fantasy is complex, physically or emotionally challenging, or if either you or your partner feel any hesitation whatsoever, try breaking the fantasy down into more manageable micro-steps.
For example, if you’re into domination, start with handcuffs and a blindfold before you work your way up to the Japanese rope suspension and old-school British torture devices. If you want to have a threesome, watch some threesome porn or find someone to flirt with over email.
Even easier, and hotter, dirty talk about your fantasy when you're fucking each other (“Can you imagine what this would be like with other people watching us right now?”). Again, the anticipation is half the fun, and visualizing the fantasy through that anticipation can help warm both of you up to the idea of actually pulling it off.
Baby steps are especially important if your fantasy is of the more hardcore variety, but it also plays the extremely important role of confirming whether both of you are still into the fantasy. Easing into the real thing like you're sliding your body into a too-hot bath will help you both answer the question, "This is sexy as fuck, but is this one of those things that should stay a fantasy?"
5. Know that the first time might kinda suck
So you want your partner to cover you in molasses and tell you to "lick my big daddy asshole." That's fine and dandy, but things might not go as smoothly as you imagined them going.
When fantasies take place silently, between our ears, they usually unfold smoothly and without a hitch. No one fantasizes about things feeling awkward or fumbly (unless you’re into that kind of thing). But, when you bring fantasies into real life, enacting them can get messy. Someone’s going to lose their erection, fall out of character, or tie a knot in the rope that's just way too ridiculously easy to get out of.
That's because getting "good" at fantasies is the same thing as getting "good" at sex: it can take some time and practice to perfect, especially if there's technical equipment involved.
But the good news is, each time you try, you’re likely learn something new about enacting your fantasies. You’ll learn how to be more nimble with your double-ended dildo. You’ll figure out the nuances of a good whipping. Maybe you’ll even realize that your favorite part is talking it through and planning it out.
Try to be patient, and have a sense of humor if things ever go awry. You’ll figure it out, and your exoskeleton will be covered in molasses and three centimeters up daddy's bum in no time. Congratulations to you and your family.
6. Reciprocate, and take turns with your fantasies
Given what your partner just did for you back there with the whole butt-molasses business you should make a conscious effort to be every bit as generous with your partner’s fantasies as they are with yours.
Make sure to ask them what their desires are, and give their fantasies as much space, time and effort as you give to your own.
If you're one of the golden, blessed couples whose fantasies overlap or who share an appreciation for similar kinks and sexual eccentricities, take advantage of that. Keep your mutual fantasies in some sort of shared document, and work through them one at a time. Or, you can write them down on little pieces of paper and pick them randomly. Great job.
7. Be prepared to prefer the fantasy over the reality
The porn clip looks amazing, the story is fucking hot, yet when you finally get your girlfriend in bed with the rope and the nipple clamps ... it’s just not quite right.
Even after two or three tries and working hard to master the ties, it may not be exactly what you want. And that’s okay!
The fantasy can still be a great fantasy and the story will always be hot, even if it doesn't translate all that well to real life. The thing that matters is that you tried together. That means desire is important to each (or all) of you, an that's fucking great. No harm no foul.