How to wake up by having an earth-shattering orgasm
Waking up sucks.
Ever tried it?
Thank sweet baby Jesus that someone has finally come up with a viable solution to the torture of waking concsiousness; a device that not only wrenches you from your cozy dream world, but does so in quite the enjoyable manner.
It's called the "Little Rooster," and it's a god damn vibrator alarm clock that wakes you up with an earth-shattering pussy orgasm. Why ... has no one thought of this?
All you do is put it in your panties, situate it nicely on your clit, set the ungodly time of day you want to get up, and doze off into never-never world.
When you wake up, your vagina does a little something like this ...
... Good luck sleeping through that. It's like Gone in 60 Seconds but it's Dreaming to Dead-Ass Awake and Squirting in 0.6 Milliseconds.
The Little Rooster is designed for female stimulation, but men are welcome to vibrate their penises with it too (the website promises a male-specific version in the near future). But regardless of which chromosomes you're packing, the sleek design of it is intended to to be unnoticeable while you're sleeping; all it does is simply and quietly live inside your underwear until you're ready to awaken.
And, with a whopping 30 speeds, you can even customize the level of "OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT AWWW OOHH FUCK" you'd like to experience upon waking.
Don't want to regain consciousness in full beast mode? Fine. You can also set it to gradually increase in intensity so you don't go straight from R.E.M. to clit jack-hammer if that's not your thing.
If you're not in the mood, or you're intentionally trying to ruin your own life by sleeping through your morning sales meeting, it's also got a convenient snooze button you can shut it off with ... but, like your high school boyfriend Colin, it'll keep trying to fuck you in perfectly spaced time intervals, until you turn it off.
While The Little Rooster isn't for everyone (I, for one, like to wake up to "Sandstorm" by Darude), it does appear to be doing the trick for some, and is currently out of stock. However, shipments are expected to resume later this month. In the meantime, no one's stopping you from tying your vibrator to your stereo alarm system and seeing if you can McGyver your own DIY version.
It'll cost you just under $100 to wake up cumming, but that seems fair because you can't really vibrate your clit to orgasm with "Bells" by Apple iOS.