Idiots we see at the gym

Idiots we see at the gym

VicesOctober 12, 2012

The Grunter
Grunting is fine for sex, tennis and 6-year-olds who are too short to ride the roller coaster. But it’s not cool for the gym. The classic grunter is a fat but strong guy who needs to make his presence known: when he’s pumping out three reps of 35-pound shoulder shrugs, he means business. The weight is low, the voice pitch is high and his ego is more inflated than an elephant hernia.

Thomas Edison
These folks love to invent their own unconventional workouts. They’re the hipsters of the gym: once a workout becomes popular, they abandon it. Bicep curls? Lame. Sit Ups? Over it. Pushups? Please. The Thomas Edisons spend their time doing irregular, attention-getting workouts they claim helps “strengthen the core,” but in actuality don’t do shit. 

Lost Puppy
You know the one: he’s walking around awkwardly staring at the workout machines as if they were alien technology that fell out of the sky. For the Lost Puppy, working a treadmill is like calculating the genetic code of a strand of DNA; trying out a new abs machine is like taking the bar exam without studying. Two aimless hours later he walks out of the gym having accomplished nothing other than a half-assed workout.

Personal Trainer
According to the Personal Trainer, everything you’re doing with your workout is wrong. While you’re just trying to lose a few pounds for your high school reunion, they’re busy forming a complete college thesis on your workout and spewing lines such as “If you didn’t slump your back on those lat pull downs, you’d get 28 percent more resistance on your repetitions.” Thanks, asshole. Have fun making $30,000 a year showing fat people how to lose 15 pounds. 

Social Bee
For these exercise enthusiasts, the gym is more of a social club then a place for getting in shape. They’re more focused on the “bar” in juice bar and the “club” in health club, and they love starting conversations with anyone who passes by. You could be sprinting on the treadmill with your headphones on and a Social Bees will still try to ask you where you bought your headband or if you can spot them on their next rep.

Dietitian
Three wheat grass shots, two raw eggs and a cup of soy milk is a common power breakfast for the Dietitians. They are easy to spot: protein shake in the left hand, energy bar in the right, odor of pretension all around. They’ll nag you about your diet and insist that despite your perceptions to the contrary, the bran muffin and yogurt you had for lunch were filled with unwanted saturated fats. 

Sweater
Friendly patron: “How was the pool? Did you forget your towel?” Sweater: “What are you talking about?” Oblivious to their excessive perspiration, Sweaters need a deodorant stick and a shower before they step foot in the gym. Like a dog leaving its scent on fire hydrants and trees, the Sweaters leave a trail of wet oily smears on every machine. Their families’ gene pool has made Old Spice a lot of money over the years.  

Single Child
Possibly the most annoying character in the gym. The Single Children runs around the gym like a bunch of 3-year-olds who never learned to share the Legos. They never re-rack the weights, they try and use multiple machines at once and they would never be caught dead wiping the sweat from a machine they’ve just used. You might recognize these selfish bastards as the ones who cut in front of you in the line for the swing set. They didn’t share their Goldfish at snack time and they cried at their birthday party when they didn’t get the gift they wanted.

America’s Next Top Model
Her pre-workout routine is reminiscent of the backstage preparations at a Texas beauty pageant: hair, makeup, wardrobe and accessories all carefully selected. Passing the bank of treadmill’s with a strut that’s taken years to perfect, she finally reaches her destination: the elliptical. After 20 minutes of low speed “running,” she feels accomplished enough to reward herself with an iced coffee from Starbucks that will put twice as many calories back into her system as she just burned off.

Bob the Builder
Unlike America’s Next Top Model, these guys don’t give a shit about what they’re wearing. Looking like he just punched out from his shift at the worksite, Bob the Builder struts around wearing Red Wing boots, blue jeans and a flannel shirt. He failed gym class in high school because he never dressed out and thinks that a Pilate’s machine would be better used as a saw bench.