If you can survive the looming Sriracha shortage, you can survive anything
A California judge has ordered the Sriracha plant in Irwindale to close its doors until they can figure out how to stop the noxious chili odor coming from the factory from making the city's residents sick.
Apparently, production byproducts of the delicious, yet destructive condiment has caused people to suffer migraines, nosebleeds, heartburn, and inflamed asthma. According to a lawsuit filed last month, odors emanating from the factory appear to be "extremely annoying, irritating, and offensive to the senses warranting consideration as a public nuisance." Yeah okay, but don't they know it tastes great on eggs and everything?
The Sriracha plant, which produces 200,000 bottles of the heavenly hot sauce a day, will be allowed to continue some operations, but must cease any process that creates the poisonous chili odor. Translation: no hot sauce for you.
The factory will only be allowed to resume full production of the sweet stuff once they can figure out how to make the tantalizing topping without ruining everyone's lives. Because it's not just Irwindale's lives that are getting shat on by the factory's inability to not poison everybody; our lives are every bit as shattered by the stoppage as production. Because, not only will Sriracha become a rare commodity, its prices will skyrocket too, transforming the once-humble sauce into an elite delicacy only found in the households of our nation's 1%.
So, what in the fuck are we supposed to douse our lunch in now? Tabasco? You've cat to be kitten us. But don't worry, there's a wide variety of mediocre hot sauces for you to choose from at your local grocery store...Just kidding! Nothing will ever compare to our beloved Sriracha, and its burnt our taste buds so irreparably that experimenting with a replacement hot sauce is futile. So please join us in a solemn, non-denominational prayer to the Sriracha gods that that stupid factory figures its shit out so we can get back to life as we know it.