Important: 10 reasons to lift weights with your vagina
Ladies, ladies, ladies. It's time to dust off those vagina weights and do work, because we've found 10 reasons why weightlifting with your little friend will make you a better lover and general human specimen.
1: Kegels! They're useless!
...Says about half of doctor's and women's physical therapists. The pro-Kegel group argues that they strengthen your vag without resistance, the same way that yoga strengthens the core with a pose. But the other half is like, "F*ck that, you need vagina weights." Vaginal weightlifting is a part of an ancient regimen of Taoist sexual practices. Here is what vaginal weights look like:
2: Crazy orgasms. Seriously. Crazy.
A strong pelvic floor can intensify orgasms. Vaginal orgasms are just muscular contractions that feel good, so imagine what it would feel like if your vagina was like the Arnold Schwarzennegger of vaginas. Your partner would be like, "I'll be back!"
3: Be immortalized forever in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Yeah, so you got a few A's in college and you got a promotion at Taco Bell, but now's your chance to do something that really matters. Tatyana Kozhevnikova did, and look at her now. She holds the world record for "World's Strongest Vagina," which means she probably flies first class and doesn't pay for extra hot sauce at the Taco Bell you work at. We mean, she lifted 31 pounds with that thing. That could be you. Your mom would be so sort-of-proud!
4: Blow his mind in bed
Having a strong pelvic floor will rock his little man-world. Think about it; strong muscles gripping his penis? Yeah. Our good friend Tatyana from #3 told Inquisitor that, "It's enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you'll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed." Because there's nothing more unforgettable than a girl that can lift 31 pounds with her vagina, Tatyana. Mmm.
5: Be the center of attention at the party
Ping-pong balls, coke bottles...imagine what kind of party tricks you could do with that thing.
6: Get your partner to orgasm just by contracting your pelvic muscles.
We know what you're thinking..."Now I can play Just-The-Tip and still tell myself I'm a virgin!" That's right. With super-strong vaginal muscles, you could technically make him come just by squeezing them on the tip of his penis. Nice; hymen and dignity intact.
7: Discipline your man with your new talent
We can see it now...
[Her]: "Put the lid on the toilet seat and stop checking out my friends with less strong vaginas, and I'll put your dick in a death-grip later."
8: Save someone's life
What if someone was falling off a cliff, and the only way to save them was to pull them up with your super-strong vagina? What if your car tire popped and you needed a tow to the nearest mechanic? Exactly.
9: It makes your hornier
Working out your vagina increases blood flow to the area, and guess what loves blood flow? Your libido. You are often horniest when a rush of blood goes to your clitoris or vagina. Plus, working it out will increase your mind-vagina connection, and a stronger awareness of that can put you in the mood like nobody's business.
TEN: Two words...
Pickle. Jars. Or, just jars in general.