Invaluable life advice from obvious role model Richard Simmons

Invaluable life advice from obvious role model Richard Simmons

VicesMarch 25, 2014

It's honestly a miracle that you've survived for this long without a dose of priceless advice from the man himself, Richard Simmons. That's why we scoured the internet for his sage-iest widsom to help you get through the day and show you right from wrong. Someone's got to raise you, and it sure as hell isn't going to be us.

If you don't set out the proper traps, Ellen de Generes will come and inhabit the dark places in your home. She'll get you.

If you're going to toss a salad, make sure it's your own.

Dogs aren't a man's best friend. Honesty is.

If you need to get something off your chest, sometimes all it takes is a pair of balls and a telephone.

Reading keeps the mind sharp ... and the dick from shrinking.

You're not a remote; never let those bastards control you.

Do not, under any circumstances, be in a stew. You're better than that.

If you have self-worth, you'll inherit the Earth.

Always make sense.

You are required to comply with all FAA and TSA aviation regulations for the duration of this flight.

Staying faithful to the person you're seeing can inspire your personal style in ways you never even dreamed of.

You need to get a goddamn haircut, son.

Roofies are blind to species. They embrace all god's creatures equally.

Smile hard. No, harder. Smiling cures everything, even your nasty case of Restless Leg Syndrome.

Do not, under any circumstances, ever go anywhere near Guy Fieri. Richard is doing it right now, but he's developed a hardened shell of mind-numbing optimism and feathers that's capable of fending off Guy Fieri's douchebaggery. This is one of those "Do as I say, not what I do" situations, okay?