Hey kids, it's your Hookup Horoscopes for April 2019!
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
You may be more scatterbrained than usual, though that fog will clear and you’ll be passionate and motivated to create plans and actually follow through on them. You’ll meet sexy new people in strange places. Show off your charm and flair for dirty talk. Then move on.
Feb. 20-Mar. 20
You are simply oozing with charm and seductive pouts this month. However, your attempts to lure a romantic partner will fall flat. You won’t seduce anyone with pretty words, Pisces. Now is the time for action, and though your saucy charm is absent, you’ll still find a few willing partners.
Mar. 21-Apr. 20
Oh, Aries, you poor, horny soul! There’s a reason for the saying, “Randy as a goat,” and you’re it. Unleash your wild side and explore your fantasies. You might learn a thing or two, which will be weird, since you pretty much wrote the book on the kinky and stinky. It’s time to put up or shut up.
Apr. 21-May 21
Your appetite for all things sexual is on the rise, as spring is in the air. You’re always ready for a good romp in the hay this time of year. Just make sure you ask permission first. As you’ll not find much satisfaction, you might want to indulge in other stress-releasing activities this month.
May 22-June 21
Love is in the air, among other things we shan’t mention. You will make some sexy new friends this month who share common interests, like kink and porn and other fetish-related topics. You put the “ex“ in sex, but now you might consider monogamy, at least for a season.
June 22-July 22
You give whole new meaning to the word “foreplay,” as you like long, drawn out sensory stimulation to make the sex sweeter and more exciting. Just don’t bore your partner to death with your demand for delayed gratification. It’s good fun for you … but for them, nope.
July 23-Aug. 21
Tense, much? Perhaps it’s time for a sensual massage with a happy ending — Robert Kraft style — instead of the usual sexual escapades. You’re not getting any satisfaction with the tried-and-true ways, so you will want to expand your repertoire. It’s worth the investment.
Aug. 22-Sept. 23
What’s wrong … libido still hibernating? Don’t pout, you’re about to experience an orgasmic sexual awakening after a long, dry winter. You’ll want to address your internal turmoil first, so you don’t unload all over your partner too quickly. Canoodling with Cancer will help.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23
You’re bringing sexy back this month, and the world is lining up outside your boudoir. Use this energy to your advantage, but don’t do anything that will land you in jail, unless that nagging captor/captive fantasy is on your mind. In that case, arrest away you slippery angel!
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. Welcome to April. You are all sensuality and tenderness to start the month, but will eventually morph into Mr. Hyde — all about grudge-fucks and the four Fs. Find ‘em, feel ‘em, fuck ‘em, forget ‘em. Next month is a different story.
Nov. 23-Dec. 22
You are lovestruck this month with many things. You’ll attract all sorts of people through enhanced flirting, sexting and potential dates. Don’t lean too much on words as you normally might. Focus on the body language: yours and theirs and you’re in like Flynn. Whoever that is.
Dec. 23-Jan. 20
The first half of the month is all cotton candy and unicorns as you feel kind and romantic. Ignore your to-do list and enjoy yourself for a change. Mid-month, things change as your dark side emerges and you become brutal and mean. In other words, business as usual.