Ja Rule is still alive and he's making a microwave cookbook
Remember Ja Rule? No, he's not a figment of your imagination that only creeps out of your subconscious into your accessible memory when you hear people say "ja" instead of "yeah." He actually happened, and despite a two-year prison stint for illegal gun possession and tax evasion, he's back and on the upswing. Because, guys and gals, Ja Rule is releasing something brand new. It's not an EP. It's not a song. It's not even a fart. Nope. It's a cookbook. A motherfuckin' microwave cookbook that'll detail how you can cook/irradiate edible things with that handy little radiation box you make all your Totino's Pizza Rolls in.
Ja Rule recently made the announcement on celebrity chef Geoffrey Zakarian's SiriusXM radio show, "Food Talk." He explained to the Iron Chef that he could "cook anything and everything in a microwave" while he was behind bars. Lasagna and cheesecake were no exception; Ja Rule subjected these two culinary staples to microwave treatment on multiple occasions, priding himself on his ability to evade ingestion of nauseating prison cafeteria food by cooking for himself with ingredients delivered to him from the outside. It's too bad someone couldn't have stuck a nail file in there or something...or some tax forms.
We were so impressed with Ja Rule's microwaveable prison food idea, that we wanted to suggest one of our most beloved recipes to him. We think this would be lovely right after morning strip-searches, provided you have access to a microwave.
Mean Muggin' Microwaveable Meatloaf Surprise
- Serves: 2 cell mates
- Time: "Not Always On Time" (get it?!)
- 2 Cups toilet water
- 1 lb. Hamburgers from the cafeteria
- 1 Onion that you got from your prison husband, chopped into cubes with razor
- 1 Carrot that you were planning on using as a shank but decided against it, peeled and diced
- 0 Eminems
1. Think long and hard about fued with 50 Cent, allow your gaze of hatred to penetrate the hamburgers, breaking them up into small chunks. Place chunks in a shoebox you keep pictures of your family in. Add toilet water to the mixture.
2. Do your taxes.
3. Nuke onions and carrots in microwave on high for 5 minutes until they're completely soul-less and devoid of nutrients. Add to hamburger mixture in shoebox.
4. Post something ridiculous on Twitter, taking care to hashtag all the words that ever existed. It should look something like this:
5. Place contents of shoebox in microwave for 15 minutes, or until meatloaf starts "Livin' It Up." Take care not to get any "Blood In Your Eye" from the boiling meatloaf.
6. Let cool like your career, and enjoy!