Japan and America face off for the coveted title of "Burger Most Likely to Burn a Hole in my Anus"

Japan and America face off for the coveted title of "Burger Most Likely to Burn a Hole in my Anus"

CultureAugust 27, 2013

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our first-ever burger faceoff. This time, America and Japan fight to the death (by obesity-related causes) in an epic battle to determine who has the best-weird-gross burger!

Let's begin!

AMERICA PRESENTS: Burger King's French Fry Burger

Clocking in at 360 calories and 19 grams of fat, Burger King's newest and weirdest offering is bascially their standard beef patty topped with a whopping four-ish fries! Contain yourselves, because we can't! This cost-busting treat is Burger King's way of competing with McDonald's exciting  Dollar Menu that features culinary masterpieces like the Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger. The French Fry Burger is how Burger King says "F You!" to McDonald's; it's just a buck, and involves no extra cost to Burger King since they're pretty much just using what they already have. Resourceful!

Pros: It makes it easier to shove fries and beef in your face; no more taking a bite of your burger, then letting it sit in your mouth while you fumble to snatch a fist-full of fries to jam in there. Also has the sweet, juicy taste of McDonald's domination.

Cons: This is the laziest burger ever created.

Great job, America! Now let's take a trip across the Pacific to Japan to see what our competitor is up to...

JAPAN PRESENTS: MEGAPIZZABURGER

At 2.65 pounds, this behemoth burger weighs about as much as a kitten. Thick beef pattyies lie in wait between two 11-inch pizzas, creating a Frankenstein-esque freak-o-zoid of flavor! It's got all the cheese and tomato sauce you'd expect on a pizza, but then it punches your tastebuds in the face with an unexpected zesty kick of burger toppings like ketchup, pickles, and onions. Megapizzaburger creators Pizza Little Party (best name) are selling this gastrointestinal assault for just $26, or half your paycheck!

Pros: Burgers or pizza? Please. Megapizzaburger makes the decision for you, and the decision is "heart attack."

Cons: You have to go to Japan to get it. Oh, and it'll probably kill you.

The decision is in your hands now, dear reader. Who's burger deserves the coveted title of "Burger Most Likely to Burn a Hole in My Anus?" Tell us now!