July horoscopes are here and aren't you glad you're not a Gemini?
Pickle shot, Mai Tai, be glad you’re not a Gemini!
ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18):
Ambitious much? In career matters, you are the backstabby co-worker who wants nothing more than to step on everyone else on the way up a rickety corporate ladder. What are your instincts whispering to you? You should listen, because they are telling you to stop being an asshole and follow The Golden Rule. Remember that one? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It doesn’t work, but at least you still have the illusion of being a good person.
TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20)
You’re conflicted about what action to take, and there’s nothing worse than an indecisive Bull. Remember that time in the china shop? That’s what can happen when you can’t seem to pull your head out of your own ass. It’s unlike you, but it does happen. Agitating things is a power struggle that hits mid-month, and you have a strong urge to fight down-and-dirty. Don’t do it. It’s you who’ll likely land in jail.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20)
“Slow down, you move too fast … ” a Gemini theme song if ever there was one. This season you have only two speeds: Look out! and Get the fuck outta my way! Your need to exceed is going to be the death of you. When you race through life, you miss the nuance and details. Figure out what your greatest desire might be and place all your attention on it, whether it be teaching, creating crazy-beautiful art, or writing a book (a bestseller, of course). It’s yours to win or lose.
CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22)
What’s the rush? Is there a sale at your favorite fetish store? Do you really need another leather harness or antique dildo? The cosmos is telling you to cut it out lest you end up on the front page of your local newspaper due to a freak accident in which you get stuck in your sex sling. TMI. While experimentation provides tons of new experiences, it’s better to be thrifty now. Rainy days are coming.
LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22)
You’re in the mood to gain a greater education, and everything is lining up to facilitate you. We’re not saying that’s a good thing. As long as you perceive that you’re having fun, it will work out. However, if you’re waiting for someone to praise you, you’re fucked. You lap up praise like it’s a bowl of milk, but your milk’s gone sour. You do things just for the recognition, and that’s a really fucked-up way to act. Cut that shit out.
VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22)
It’s part of your character to give, give, give — then give some more. What good is it, though, when all you’re giving is syphilis, herpes, and other STDs? It’s best to keep to yourself for the time being. The CDC will thank you. Mid-month, family clamors for all your attention and then some. You’re likely to over-commit, as usual. When you reach the end of your famously short temper, tell everyone to go piss up a rope. You earned it.
LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22)
You’re really, really tempted to just bail on your entire life this month. You only want things to be pleasant and days to pass smoothly. Ha! Like that’s ever going to happen. Stop being a little bitch. You’re the one who wanted to be in charge, and now you’re complaining that it’s hard work. Remember the saying, “You made your bed, now you lie in it?” That’s something for you to remind yourself going forward.
SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21)
You’re all about taking crazy risks, and this month is no different. When others question you, you give them that famous Scorpio “death glare.” They’re either with you or against you, so tell naysayers to go sit on a screw. People will forever misunderstand you. You should be used to it by now. Instead, you feel sorry for yourself and go on a bender, but only as long as someone else is buying. It’s high time you got over yourself.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21)
Your favorite pastime is engaging in philosophical arguments with others and you never take it well when someone’s view differs from yours. Counting people’s shortcomings doesn’t make you above reproach, so stop being a sanctimonious ass and humble yourself a little. You’re constant need to judge others and find them wanting is tiresome and wins you no new fans. Get yourself a hobby that doesn’t involve screwing everyone over, like train surfing or collecting navel lint.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19)
You’re sometimes known for your generosity. Except for on days that end in the word “day.” Face it, you’re more interested in social climbing than you are in bettering yourself in any way. You’re the kind of person that requires a prenuptial agreement just for dating. By mid-month, you’re in over your head at work and things reach a boiling point. That’s when you need to step back and stay detached lest your foot find its way into your mouth again.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18)
You were born a nonconformist, though you pretend to be otherwise. Here’s a wakeup call for you: pretending to be a nonconformist makes you a conformist. Did that make your head explode? The more you try not to be something, the more you become it. It’s a fact of life. Besides, it’s all an attention-getting scheme. You’re one person who could definitely use a vacation from yourself.
PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19)
Your dreams going into July are surreal and strange, confounding analysis. How is that different from every other dream you’ve ever had? Or they’re so run-of-the-mill, they actually put you to sleep, which is redundant. Mid-month is fraught with arguments and other not-fun issues. It’s highly recommended that you go to the store and purchase a case of your favorite drink, hide in the basement, and wait it out. There’s just no winning. Don’t feel bad. At least you’re not a Virgo.