Leave Britney alone! She's busy protecting world trade and fighting pirates!

Leave Britney alone! She's busy protecting world trade and fighting pirates!

VicesOctober 28, 2013

There's bad music. And then there's bad music that's so awesomely vile, it's used to protect maritime trade.

Music so god-awful, so ear-shattering, so stomach-churning in fact, that its horrid sound makes Somali pirates think twice about attacking merchant ships.

Music that can only belong to one woman. and one woman only. That's right. Britney Spears.

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You heard us; Britney Spears' music is actually being used to scare away Somali pirates and prevent them from attacking merchant ships on Africa's east coast.

"These guys can’t stand Western culture or music, making Britney’s hits perfect," said officer Rachel Owens. Hits like "Baby One More Time" and "Oops! I Did It Again" are blasted at extremely high volumes on the merchant ships whenever pirates come creepin' around, and the sugary-sweet pop stops them dead in their tracks. Evidently, they find it so repulsive, that trade ships have reported a decrease in piracy resulting from the effectiveness of Britney's music. Basically the reason you're eating bananas and drinking coffee is because Britney Spears' is busy fighting pirates in the ocean.

But Steven Jones, of the Security Association for the Maritime Industry, said there are some lengths Western powers are unwilling to go to for fear of violating international law.

"I’d imagine using Justin Bieber would be against the Geneva Convention,” Jones jokingly said. Of course not; that would be straight inhumane.