Let us count the ways Pokémon GO is a malevolent source of diabolical evil
A teen in search of a water Pokémon discovered a dead body floating in a river.
Eleven young men ages 16-18 were robbed at gunpoint at a Pokéstop.
A Massachusetts man's house was marked as a Pokémon gym, a place where people can train their fictional creatures. Now gamers are hanging out in his garden despite his pleas against it and a constant flow of cars has been blocking his driveway.
More people are now playing Pokémon than trying to fuck each other. Tinder is Sahara-dry thanks to people's sudden preference of chasing Coughing and Wheezing to chasing each other.
Worst of all, the app is causing an epidemic of "unexpected soreness" because kids are suddenly exercising. Oh, the horror!
Is it just us, or does it seem like in the short days since Pokémon GO's release, it's been associated with more crime and chaos than an OJ Simpson on the loose. What in Charzard's name is going on?
Quite simply, the game is breaking down barriers. People are going where they've never gone before, to places they maybe shouldn't in, all in search of that inglorious Bulbosaur bounty.
This is all a product of how the game works. Pokémon GO uses augmented reality to place creatures and items in real locations, which brings people, and Pokémon, to places they don't normally go.
The game uses your phone's GPS and clock to make Pokémon appear around you. As you move around, different and more types of Pokémon will appear depending on where you are and what time it is. The idea is to encourage you to travel around the real world to catch Pokémon in the game.
Some of the places it leads you to are gyms where you can make your Poké mon cock fight, or Pokestops, which dispense invaluable items like Pika-Chow. These places can be anything from large landmarks like buildings, or something smaller and simpler like a sign. Either way, hundreds of Poké-addicted non-Tindering game lords descend upon these spots in droves, creating the chaos born out of the intermingling of people and places that don't normally meet. Like rivers where dead bodies are floating, for example!
In rare cases, that's proven to be a good thing. Probably the most uplifting story to come out of the Pokémon GO eruption is that it's taken over the Westboro Baptist Church (suck it, losers). The controversial church is currently ruled by a pink Pokémon called Clefairy. Gamers can give their Pokemon their own custom nicknames, and the current leader of the gym at the WBC seems to be poking fun at the church's homophobic views by naming his Clefairy "love is love." That doesn't suck at all.
And neither does the game! Have you played it? It's awesome. Little Oddish radishes appear out of thin air when you're drinking alone:
The point is: be safe out there, kids. And if the game leads you to an unsafe space, like the aforementioned river of bodies or some random guy's house, at least bring your Pikachu for protection.