Live a little longer so you can die in a terrible sex accident.
To prolong as long as possible this crazy thing we call life, here are some foods that are great for longevity:
Also called alligator pears, avocados are rich in vitamin E, monounsaturated fats (“good fats”) and glutathione, all of which promote a healthy ticker. The real value of avocados though is their facilitation of better nutrient absorption. In one study, people who ate salads containing avocados absorbed five times more nutrients from the dish than those who did not have avocados. Avocados contain potassium and the vitamins E, C and B, plus their oils are beneficial to our skin, eyes and hair. If you’re not a fan of guacamole (kind of weird) try an avocado for dessert: halve one, scoop it from its rind and pour honey all over that shit. Then dust it with some cinnamon and chili powder and call it good.
That vile weed your mother tried to shovel down your throat turns out to be good for you. Broccoli contains multiple vitamins that help with improving vision, repairing damaged skin and strengthening bones. It also contains glucoraphanin, a protein salt the body processes into an anti-cancer fighting compound called sulfarophane. Bonus: Broccoli helps your dilapidated liver function.
One word: antioxidants. We understand your beauty makes you popular and your jokes funny, and that maintaining a perfect temple is a priority. Antioxidants can help. Berries’ coloring is actually a powerful antioxidant called anthocyanins, which protects against oxidative stress from aging while improving neuronal and cognitive brain function.
Those closest to you won’t like your garlic diet but you’ll have the last laugh when you live to 107. Garlic—which contains protein, potassium, calcium and zinc, plus the vitamins A, B, B2 and C—promotes heart and immune system health through an active component called allicin, which provides the same antibiotic qualities as penicillin. Garlic also contains sulfur and helps us produce hydrogen sulfide, which helps our hearts go stronger and longer. It helps deal with allergies, opens up sinuses and regulates blood sugar levels. Trying to get over a cold? Try tossing six cloves of pulverized garlic and as much honey as you want into one cup of apple cider vinegar. Let it sit in your refrigerator for a bit, then take a tablespoon for a sore throat—it’s not going to taste good, but it’ll also clear you out.
Before applying a thin layer of oil to your body, understand that everything is better in moderation. Two teaspoons in this case provides the perfect amount of olive oil to promote a healthy heart. Studies show that olive oil helps with cancer prevention, reducing obesity and increasing brain function.
There’s no need to get lost in an Asian market to find this cruciferous vegetable and let it into your life. Bok choy is high in fiber, antioxidants, vitamin C and, particularly, folates, which are B vitamins responsible for reducing strokes and increasing heart health. Bok choy also helps in the prevention of oral and breast cancer.
Tomatoes are good for your eyes, hair, teeth, skin and bones. More importantly, tomatoes contain lycopene, an antioxidant that may stop the growth of cancer cells. Cooked tomatoes increase the amount of lycopene your body is able to absorb—making Bloody Marys at 8 a.m. on a Monday entirely appropriate.
Guys, skim this next bit. Gals, beets are great for inducing your period if you’re PMSing. Just boil some beets up and eat ‘em. Throw in a dash of salt or boil them with butter (a less healthy alternative). If you’re not dealing with your period (welcome back, guys), beets have other health benefits. They have no fat, contain plenty of fiber, and are packed with vitamins and minerals—such as A, C, and niacin—that help prevent heart disease.
Salmon are packed with insane amounts of vitamin D, B12, Omega-3 fatty acids and other things we usually consume in pill form. Plus, they’re freaking delicious. Try filleting your salmon and rubbing garlic, basil, salt and pepper and kale all over that soft pink flesh. Pan fry it with a few dashes of fish sauce and a smashed mango. Devour.
High in B6 (with good amounts of vitamins C and D), sweet potatoes also contain iron, magnesium and potassium, which all help with heart health and cancer prevention. Sweet potatoes are incredibly versatile: bake some chips or bake a pie. If you’re feeling lazy, just peel it, cube it and boil it. Drizzle honey over the top with some nutmeg and cinnamon and go to town. This root vegetable is known to be especially good for women’s health.