LOL, Denver literally has the slowest data speeds in the country

LOL, Denver literally has the slowest data speeds in the country

CultureAugust 04, 2016 By Isabelle Kohn

Every wonder why you can't get your interracial orgy porn to load on your phone?

Well, mystery solved, because a new survey from RootMetrics has placed Denver dead last in mobile speed for the 125 most popular U.S. markets. Apparently, Denver really, really sucks at cellular data.

In case you're wondering, Denver's mobile speeds are slower than Flint, Michigan (No. 54), McAllen, Texas (No. 122), and even Colorado Springs (No. 121). Compared to first-place Atlanta’s 94.1 data score, Denver’s 78.4 showing is pretty pitiful.

Wait, hold on, should we give you some more time for this page to load?

All four major carriers (T-Mobile, Verizon, AT&T and Sprint) in Denver saw their mobile network speeds drop below 10 mbps during the test period from Feb. 11-18. During that period, RootMetrics sent people to the Denver area to conduct 20,419 tests of mobile network reliability, data speeds and data, voice and text performance. The results? Nobody can load the stupid YouTube video where the guy jumps into a cactus or listen to their stupid Summer Chillin' Playlist 2016 on Spotify. It's barbaric.

Why is this happening? Where is our God?

Well, according to RootMetrics spokeswoman Annette Hamilton, Denver sucks dick at data because of its rapidly growing population.

“In general, as carriers add customers, we have seen that networks slow down until the network catches up again. We can’t say for certain that this is or will be happening in Denver, but it is something we have seen in the past,” she said.

This makes almost no earthly sense considering that it seems like Denver's new residents are almost entirely Bay Area or Silicon Valley transplants who should know a thing or 600 about speeding up data, but ... apparently not everyone that's new here is Steve Jobs. More like Steve No-Jobs.

To conclude, there is no end in sight, and Denver will continue to have shit mobile speeds until the major carriers conduct a major systematic overhaul of cellular technology in the city. Google Fiber, anyone?

Oh wait, we can't even get that ...

Guess we'll just have to talk to each other and "interpersonally bond" instead of being on our phones ... gross.