Make No Mistake, You Should Move to Russia
Daily life in the United States is so blah lately. Baseball, cowboys, civil liberties; "Been there done that," are we right?
Extract yourself from the tedium of everyday life and give your sense of adventure a kick in the ass with our new revolutionary boredom-shattering technique; moving to Russia.
Moving to Russia is fast, and easy. Just make sure to pack a parka, your favorite comet deflector helmet, and a backhoe because you're gonna be cold, drunk, and a potato farmer!
Here's a few tips for Soviet success.
1. Walking- scratch that...Moving can be tough in Russia's harsh climate. Be sure to keep a friend close by to help you get where you need to go.
And the birds there just don't give a shit.
2. Comets hate Russia. Always wear a helmet.
Safety first, bitches.
3. Buckle up! In Russia, road rage and traffic accidents are a popular pastime of it's people.
You can save yourself the trouble of traffic woes by never leaving your house ever again. Or, if you think you're brave enough to face Russia's highways and byways, go ahead; take the bus. We're sure you'll be fine.
4. Optical illusions are everywhere
Whose legs are whose? You tell us, comrade!
5. The vodka flows like a thousand raging rivers into your mouth
Before you move, find a suitable donor for your liver because you're gonna need a new one.
6. The cats there have more talent in their little cat whiskers than that Justin Bieber boy has in his whole being.
In Russia, admission to shows is paid in litter.
7. This guy lives there
What more reason do you need?